If Life Were Run By Apple and Steve Jobs

Tonight, I finally decided to stop being lazy and updated the SYNC system in my Ford Taurus.  I don’t mind telling you that I love my SYNC system.  I don’t have the fancy version with built in navigation and news, etc, but mine does allow for hands free phone use and just as important, streaming music from my iPhone through Bluetooth.

Which brings me to an interesting note.

Before I get to that however, please note that Microsoft, Windows, Apple, the iPhone, and anything else mentioned is trademarked by and all that by the appropriate companies etc, etc.

My interesting note is this.  SYNC is a Microsoft and Ford creation.  The good thing about the SYNC system is that it is upgradeable.  You use a USB drive, download updates, then upload them to your car.  I would like to say this is an easy task.  For me?  It is.  But I will tell you that if my parents ever owned a Ford Car with Sync, it would NEVER EVER get updated, unless I did it.  Why?  Because like most things Microsoft does, it’s creepy complicated.

First, you have to plug in the USB drive and choose your update from the SYNC web site.  Then you have to try and convince the web site to actually install the update on your USB Drive.  Sometimes, or often, or almost always, it doesn’t want to corporate.  But, if you keep with it, you can get your update.

Once you do that, you take the USB Drive to your car, plug it into your USB port in the car, and then… then you have to go though about 48749292749403 steps in your menu system to get the update to INSTALL.  When it’s installed, the car is nice enough to inform you that the installation is complete.  BUT WAIT.  It hasn’t completed.  Honest.  The 573937493739 steps in the instructions make SURE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS.  You then have to wait.  And Wait.  You wait anywhere from 8 to 20 minutes for the car to ONCE AGAIN TELL YOU THE INSTALLATION IS COMPLETE.  Because obviously, this makes TOTAL SENSE.

Then, you once again plug the USB drive into the computer and try to “report successful installation”.  This means the web site must communicate with your USB Drive.  Of course, as I’m sure you guessed, almost never works.  This is so you can erase everything on the USB Drive, download the VERSION Checker, and run THAT in your car.  This design is obviously done on purpose, by some nerd who thinks this is funny.

Funny thing is, I find this no different than Windows on my computer.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I like Windows.  Mostly because when I entered the work force (a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away), everything ran on DOS.  For you young whipper snappers, that is also a Microsoft operating system.  One that required that you TYPE in everything.  If you were smart, you could build a shell program that with the press of a button would launch programs for you.  Then, windows came around and made things easier.  Meaning you could use a mouse to double click on icons which would start a program.  This is, I’m sure, what you are all familiar with.  Of course, Windows crashed a lot.  Got lots of updates.  And was genuinely a pain in the rear.  This is because Bill Gates and his employees are all Nerds of highest sort, who think that everyone needs to be as smart as them to run a computer. 

At one time, there was some slight completion to Microsoft.  It was Apple.  But for some reason, Apple didn’t take off as quickly as the board thought it should so they kicked the man who invented Apple out of the company.  I’m talking about Steve Jobs.  However, because they couldn’t do a better job of taking over the world like Bill Gates and his Nerds did, they brought him back into the fold.  Steve Jobs them started quickly slamming the Nerds and brow beat them into FUNCTIONALITY over all, along with EASE OF USE.  That’s when the iPod came out, and pretty much changed the world as we know it.  Soon, there were millions of people walking around with those trade mark white ear phones in, listening to music.

Now Microsoft, not to be outdone, already had a media player that would allow you to rip music, and also transfer it to a music playing device.  Trouble was, it was so difficult to use, no one wanted to use it.

I leaned this when I got my daughter an iPod for Christmas.  I downloaded iTunes, plugged the iPod in and was simply… amazed.  It was so easy to use that even I could do it, and that is saying something.  With the release of the iPhone, and then the iPad, that simplicity hasn’t changed.  Sure, it has it’s problems now and then, but even where there is one, it’s really really easy to recover from.

So all this got me thinking.  What would it be like if Microsoft or Apple ran your life?

MICROSOFT:

Wake up.  Got to bathroom.  Push buttons on toilet until you get to the right menu option to flush.  When it crashes and hangs, call a plumber (technical support).

Get in your car.  Try to sort through various menu options to get car to start.  Car won’t start so you call your mechanic (technical support).  Or, the car starts, and you drive to work, trying frantically to keep up with pushing various buttons to sort through menus to use blinkers, etc.  Hope the car doesn’t experience a system crash.  If you happen to make it to work, hope that the car cuts off, instead of “hanging”, causing you once again to call your mechanic (technical support).

Work all day at the office, hoping your computer doesn’t give you any trouble, making you call IT (technical support).  If it does have trouble, you don’t get any work done.  However, the computer will helpfully display a message advising you to check the Microsoft Knowledge base for help, but you can’t connect to the internet, because your computer is not working.

Drive home.  Hope the car, once again, gets you there without having to call your mechanic (technical support).

Try to fix dinner.  Scroll through various menus to make the stove work, hoping like mad nothing goes wrong and causes the house to fill with gas, causing an explodion when the stove lighter works at random times.  But this time, there is an update for your stove, which you have to install before cooking dinner.  Unfortunately, the update won’t download, so you have to call a repair man (technical support) and you go to bed hungry.

Just so you know, all technical support is handled by someone in another country, who has an accent so think you can’t understand what they are trying to tell you, and apparently has trouble understanding you as well.  They will seem more interested in updating your “information”, such as address, e-mail, and phone number, than anything else.

APPLE:

You wake up, go to the bathroom.  Push a button to flush.  If it doesn’t work, it recovers automatically with one push of a button and off you go to eat breakfast.

You get in your car, push a button and your car starts.  If it doesn’t another push of the same button recovers everything and the car starts.  As you drive, there is only one button to push to use everything like blinkers, etc.  As you drive, you notice an update is available.  You push the button and the update installs while you are driving. Oh and the car plays your favorite tunes, or allows you to talk on the phone while you drive.

You get to work and use your computer, slightly irritated by the fact the mouse only has one button, but at least you meet your deadline.  The plus side is, you can listen your favorite tunes while you work.

You get in your car and drive home, while listening to your favorite tunes.

You get home and cook dinner on the stove, which also has one button that somehow knows exactly WHAT you are cooking and works like a charm.  Oh, and the stove helpfully plays your favorite tunes while you eat.

Boy I could go on, but I think you get the idea.  Though I still use Windows, this is how it seems the world would be.  Now, I think I will go download some music from the iTunes store, and push a button and watch it install on my iPhone… with ease.

Rubber Chickens, Clown Noses and Taxes

Hello from Awkward Humor!  I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted, which I apologize for.  Things have been extremely crazy for me over the last few weeks.  I’m hoping that this week will see things calm down.  I wrote several posts, but decided not to post them, since they didn’t meet my standard.

But I’m here now.  I’m sure you missed me, and who could blame you?

It’s tax time again, the part of the year where we all gripe and moan, and hope to get back tons of money from our Government.  Hey, at least they DO give back what we over paid.  It’s always been a mystery to me why our tax laws are so difficult.  I blame it on the rich who manage to somehow get exemptions passed so they can keep even more of the millions they already have.  Apparently, they think they can take it with them when they die.  I’m not sure how they plan on doing that since a casket is only so big.  Of course, with that much money I guess you can have a custom casket built as big as you want.  Fortunately, that is not my problem.  Or maybe that is unfortunately, since I’m not rich.

But I digress.  I was writing about taxes.

Maneuvering through the various tax paperwork is like maneuvering through a mine field.  It’s something my wife refuses to let me do, because she is smart.  I do, however, count myself lucky that I have her to do our taxes instead of lugging all our papers to someone to do if for us.

Which brings me to the point of this post.  What, exactly, has come of the world when companies who do taxes for you offer it though a carnival atmosphere?

Seriously, have you noticed?

All you have to do is drive down the road.  You will see people standing on street corners, in various stages of dress, dancing, gesturing, even singing, trying to point you to their service.  I’ve seen signs and even  a certain company who gets someone dressed as the Statue of Liberty to try and convince you that you should come and get your taxes done.  I guess they think that everyone drives around with all their financial paperwork in the car, so that when they see a crazy dancing person they will go “hey, that reminds me, it’s time to get my taxes done and I have no problem putting my tax return in the hands of a dancing teenager dressed as the Statue of Liberty.”

Because, hey, that makes perfect sense.

I don’t know about you, but the fact that these companies will even put people on street corners dancing and gesturing, even singing, doesn’t exactly inspire me to confidence.  Of course, maybe these companies give rubber chickens or clown noses as a return instead of cash.

I don’t intend to find out.

Instead, I will keep trusting my lovely wife to do our tax returns, and leave the clowning around to those on street corners.

Hazmat Suits, Lysol, and Tonsils.

It’s the season.  The season of germs, flu, colds, viruses and other nasty bugs.  There is no way to avoid it.  Everywhere you go, someone is sneezing, dripping, or coughing in your face.  If I were a lesser person, I would consider filing restraining orders against all sick people.  But alas, I know it’s something you have to deal with, every SINGLE year.  We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t defeat the common cold or the flu.

Here, in our household, we have to deal with it as well.  I must unfortunately admit that I am getting older, since I now usually manage to get sick at least once a year.  When I was younger, I rarely got sick.  When I was kid, I was always sick, but that’s another story.

My daughter, bless her tiny little heart, gets sick every year about this time.  I blame it on the fact that Doctors no longer remove tonsils.  Every year, she gets some nasty infection, which usually develops into strep throat, enlarged tonsils, and high fevers.  Of course, dealing with the Doctors during all of this is no fun, since you can’t convince them you know your child better than they do.  As is always the case, when my little girl (who is 18 but will always be my little girl) starts saying “my throat hurts”, you can bet money on the fact she has the beginning stages of strep.  Despite the history of this, in her medical records, the Doctors refuse to do anything until it’s too late.  Which means they end up writing her notes excusing her from school for at least a week.  Sometimes more.

We are, at this time, going on day 4 of her being out of school.

She went to the Doctor again today, and she saw her regular Doctor.  As you know, during the cold and flu season, it’s next to impossible to see your regular Doctor within a 2 week period.  I think this is a conspiracy by Doctors who probably get tired of seeing the same faces over and over. Somehow, my wife managed a miracle and got an appointment for the kid this morning.  Of course, after already missing three days (going on 4) of school, and still being very sick (including a fever), what does she say?  “Oh this won’t do.” And promptly prescribes enough antibiotics to cure a third world country of every disease known to mankind.  Why this couldn’t have been done on the FIRST visit is an eternal mystery that ranks up there with why toast almost always lands butter side down on the floor and how a very clean teenage girl can have a bathroom so nasty the homeless would refuse to sleep there.

So in a few days, my daughter will finally start to get well.  In the meantime, my wife is ALSO sick.  I don’t know if she has the same thing, as it’s not presenting the same, but she has the sniffles, stuffy head, cough, and aches.

I now feel like I should be wearing a hazmat suit in my own house people.

I know what’s going to happen.  Despite already being sick ONCE this season, I’m going to end up sick again.  Because I’m surrounded by demonic germs of the sickly.  Which sounds like the name of a rock band.  If you want to use that as the name of your band, feel free.  I’ll expect a 5% royalty check in the mail on everything you sell.

I’m starting to feel a little desperate.  Earlier, I found myself looking for Lysol, so I could gleefully spray the entire house.  And maybe my wife and daughter.  I’ve even considered telling them to open wide and spray the stuff down their throats.

I REALLY don’t want to get sick again.

Maybe I will get lucky and the years of learning every crafty ninja germ deflecting move will work.  But probably not.  Soon, I’ll probably be on the couch, whining and complaining about how bad I feel and calling for my wife every 10 minutes.  Hey, I’m a man, it’s what we do when sick.  This will, of course, prompt her to roll her eyes, mutter under her breath, spend lots of time in rooms where she can’t hear me, and then post a blog about what a pain in her rear end I am.

That’s about the only bonus that will come of this, I’m telling you now.

So off I go, armed with Febreze in one hand and Lysol in the other.  Wish me luck, or you’ll be hearing from my wife.  Oh, and as I side note, cats don’t like spray cans.  Judging from the way they run and scatter when they hear that can hiss, I believe they think you are spraying the Ebola virus at them.  Oh yeah, and if I do get sick again, I will be resuming my campaign to get my wife to dress up like a nurse again and play "Doctor".  Sorta like the nurse below.  I keep telling her it would make me get well faster, which usually prompts her to tell me to shut it and hide in another room.  No doubt only in the attempt to not get sick again herself.  I'm sure that's the story she will stick with anyway.

Mhm-hmm. Dressing like this would make me feel real perky, really fast.

Until next time, when I'm sure I'll be blogging from my sick bed.

Escaping the Femine Prison

It’s been a busy 8 days.  I know I haven’t done a regular post, unless it was a guest post, but as you should know, we had a friend of my wife’s in for a visit.  She has gone home, just in time to get pounded with snow.

But now that she is gone, I find myself somewhat relieved.  Yes, I like my wife’s friend and yes I enjoyed having her here.  However, there is something you must understand.  Having another woman in the house, who is your wife’s friend, seriously curtails your manhood.

I know that for all you women reading this, you will soon curl your lip, especially if you are married.  But being a man, is being a man, and there are things we do, as men, that we do.  I was unable to engage in my normal manly things since we had a quest.  In other words, I had to be on my BEST BEHAVIOUR.

Do you understand how difficult this is, as a man, to pull off?

I was unable to sneak downstairs in the middle of the night in my underwear to get something to drink.

I was unable to walk around the house, farting as I am used to doing, especially when I’m looking to disgust my wife and daughter and get a quick laugh out of it.

I was unable to burp out in the open, no matter where I was in the house.

I was unable to scratch my butt, or other parts of my anatomy, when I felt like it.

I was unable to take the remote, with my hand halfway down my pants like Al Bundy, and channel surf.

I could not do any of these things, in order not to embarrass my wife.  Hey, don’t judge me, she knows where I sleep and is a little overly fond of sharp objects.  It was like a PRISON.

But now?  Now I’m free.  Free to burp, fart, walk around in my underwear, channel surf, and generally do what I do best.  Be a man.

Freedom never felt so good.  Or maybe that was the loud obnoxious fart I just let out.

I have a number of comments and other things I will be taking care of over the next few days to get back into the swing of things.  I hope everyone is having a good week, and is not totally frozen.

Until next time, take care.

New Year, Odd Dreams, and an Alarm Clock

So I started my New Year off with weird dreams and waking up early.  I wish I could blame it all on going on a binge and drinking way to much last night.  Unfortunately, I can’t.  I had one, count ‘em one, glass of really nasty champagne.  Maybe I only had one, because it was really bad.  Like so bad it could have passed for cough syrup.  So bad it could have been used for an engine cleaner, but would probably dissolve it.  So bad that paint thinner asked it how to be as harsh as it.  What do you expect for $ 2.00?  Certainly not having your stomach lining eaten away.  Ah well.

Like I said, I had weird dreams last night.  I can’t really remember them now, which is actually to bad.  Because they were weird as in funny.  Sharing them might give you a closer look into my strange mind than I want, but hey, them’s the breaks.

I can tell you that there were fast cars in there.  Some lions, a pet monkey (due to a post on twitter last night I’m guessing), a homeless tooth fairy, and some clowns.  And a lot of kitchen utensils.  Sounds more like one of my wife’s Narcoleptic dream worlds, but let me tell you this kind of thing isn’t normal for me.  The few times it has happened, I always wake up the next day feeling a little off kilter.  Like a meteor is about to crash into my front yard or something.

As for waking up, not only was it due to my weird dreams, but also thanks to my daughter.  Was it because my loving daughter decided to come in, bounce on the bed like when she was younger and tell me she loved me?  Nope.  Was it because she was up earlier than me, being inconsiderate as only an 18 year old vain girl can be in the bathroom?  Nope.

What was it then?

Her alarm clock.

My daughter takes a little after my wife in some ways.  Mainly, she hates to wake up.  So my daughter is a snoozer.  You know, one of those people who set the alarm, then hit the snooze button a time or two?  Hey, I do that myself.  What I DON’T do, is hit the stupid thing for two hours, like my daughter does.  I think she is getting me back for all the times I went into her room and bounced on HER bed and told her I love her, acting like a big dog, barking and all that.  Which is annoying, I know.  But being annoying to your children is a God given right.  A necessity even.

So, thus begins a New Year and a New Decade.  Weird dreams and an annoying alarm clock.  Three cheers to coffee, yes?

Utter Poetry - Can a human head spontaneously explode?

Sometimes, just sometimes, you run across someone on a rant that ends up to be so utterly amazing, it falls into the catagory of poetry.

Case in point.  My Lovely Wife, who happens to be much younger than me.  Because I am a stud muffin.  You can find her original post over at Refusing To Age Gracefully

Take a look around, though the link goes directly to her original post, despite the fact I am copying it here.  She  is a funny woman.  Being with me, she would have to have sense of humor, trust me on this fact.  She will also tell you those pin-up girls aren't her.  While they might not be, she could pull it off.  I just haven't found the right bribe (and that includes large quantities of chocolate) to get her to dress like that.  Won't stop me from trying though.

I won't even bother to go into how I felt about this situation.  Needless to say, it's hard to put seeing red and contemplating explosions and firearms, and torture devices into words.  I will say, that I wasn't totally aware of the entire situation, since not only is my wife much younger, prettier, and funnier than I am, she is also a lot smarter.  She knew I would likely lose control of myself and destroy things.  Like people, small animals, cars, and the invincible Chuck Norris.  Even if I had to Put On A Costume of The Burger King  If you have trouble understanding who Kitty Princess is, because I know you aren't as smart as me, it's our daughter.

So without further comment from the peanut gallery (me), here is a copy of her post.

Can a Human Head Spontaneously Combust?

Okay so there are a few reasons I've been MIA.  One of course is the emotional roller coaster my darling, sweet, precious, oh so blinded by love little girl has had me riding since Christmas Eve.  Since I'm not too sure I can still form coherent thoughts, (lack of good sleep, exhaustion, cleaning for upcoming visit, etc.) I'll just make this easy.

Dec. 23

• Kitty Princess texts me to tell me the bf proposed.
• I inquire about a ring to find there isn't one.
• When will there be one?  Maybe spring.
• What did he get her?
• Nothing.
• Kitty Princess texts me to say "hope you didn't tell anyone, it's not happening"
• I say ummm WTF?
• She says she'll explain when she gets home.
• She gets home and it's "on" again.  Everything is fine.
• Mama Kitty asks very few questions since head is in danger of imminent explosion.
• We all go night night.

Dec. 24

• Christmas Eve!  Yay!
• Kitty Princess wants to know what time bf should come over.
• Kitty Princess is working til 7.
• I tell Kitty Princess not a good idea.  She just saw him and Grumama will be all nervous.
• Kitty Princess agrees and we have a lovely dinner and gift exchange with grandparents.
• Come home and Kitty Princess gets on the phone with bf.
• Boyfriend tells her his best friend's parents are getting him and best friend a job in California at a pharmaceutical company.
• Mama Kitty is happy.
• Then Mama Kitty finds out he wants her to go with him.
• Kitty Princess and bf fight.  A lot.
• Kitty Princess is crying.
• Hysterically.
• Boyfriend is going to break up with her.  Engagement is off.
• Mama Kitty is happy.  Bad Mama Kitty.
• Mama Kitty explains that bf is an ass.  Tells Kitty Princess that even God couldn't get a job at a pharmaceutical company since God doesn't have a four year degree.
• Sometime in the wee hours of the morning (after ruining Christmas Eve) bf decides he still loves her and they don't have to go to California.
• Mama Kitty is not happy again.
• We all go night night.

Dec. 25

• Christmas Day!  Yay!
• Kitty Princess wants to know when she can see boyfriend.
• Fight ensues when she's told that paternal grandparents are coming over and then we have to go to their house for dinner.  No time for bf to come over.
• Kitty Princess pouts.
• Mama Kitty is happy, not about pouting about no bf on Christmas.
• Enjoy Christmas, opening gifts from in-laws, go to dinner to have repeat of sad from niece who is told SHE can't go home with her bf because it's snowing like a bitch and she has to work the next day and boyfriend lives a zillion miles away.
• Decide all females under the age of 25 are systematically insane.
• Come home and Kitty Princess talks to bf rest of night.
• Boyfriend gets mad at her over World of Warcraft and another fight ensues.
• Mama Kitty is tired of the fighting by 1:00 a.m. and leaves the Kitty Princess to go to bed.

Dec. 26

• Kitty Princess works til 9:30
• Kitty Princess gets off work and bf asks where she's been since he KNOWS that her employer closes at 6 p.m. on Sundays.
• Mama Kitty is shellshocked that Kitty Princess didn't go the hell off on bf.
• Apparently bf's best friend worked for two months at GameStop and knows everything there is to know about their practices including holiday hours, amazing since he never worked a holiday hour in his life.
• Mama Kitty isn't asking any more freaking questions cuz her head is going to explode.

Dec. 27

• Kitty Princess has day off.  Spends day on phone with bf playing World of Warcraft.
• Mama Kitty wanted to make cookies and watch movies.
• Other stuff happened that made Mama Kitty not happy.
• Mama Kitty went to bed with monster headache and the very real desire to give the hell up.

Dec. 28

• Blogging is safe.  Mama Kitty shall return to blogging where she can rant and rave and sound like a lunatic about the horrors of bf and having an intelligent, beautiful daughter who is blinded by the thought that love is possible with a good for nothing, worthless, horrible person who doesn't even buy her a gift for Christmas.

And there you have it.  Is it any wonder I can't put more than two words to paper without feeling like my head is going to explode and checking the house to pinpoint the location of every available pointed or sharpened object I own?  Ladies and gentleman, gather round and pray with me that THIS

never, ever, ever, ever, ever happens.  Please and thank you.
***********End of Post***********

And there you have it.  Poetic, if I do say so myself.  Now I'm off to scan for pin-ups to see if she has something to match it, just to try an convince her to put it on.  No doubt, she will tell me she has a headache.  In this case?  Who could blame her?