So you took naked pictures of yourself



It’s a free country. I know this. I know people will be people and will do what they want. Even against their own better judgment.  But there comes a time when you really have to start wondering, when will people ever learn?

Over the past year, there have been so many stupid important news stories of girls (and a smaller number of guys) having their nude body shared with the world. All because they took pictures of themselves in the buff with their cell phone.

Oh I know it all starts innocently enough. Someone says, hey, this person loves me, I love them, so I’ll send them a naked picture of myself to brighten their day. What could, after all, go wrong? They wouldn’t shame my by sharing it, nor is there any reason under the sun that would cause someone to see these pictures. Therefore, not only will I take the picture, send it to the love of my life, but I will keep it on my phone where obviously it’s super safe from any prying eyes.

My first statement, that people will do what they want applies to both the person taking the picture, and the one receiving the picture, and while we are at it to hackers, friends who pick up your phone while you are out of the room, and yes, even the police.

Look, I’ve been married for 23 years now. At no time would I ever take a naked picture of myself and send it to my wife. Because I know her. She would be horrified at first, then she would share with her friends so they could all get a good laugh. Believe me, there is plenty to laugh at. My wife would never send me a naked picture, not because I would show it someone, but apparently, she has some common sense that seeing her naked is reserved for our bedroom. Not to mention my wife is a lady.

I’m not trying to be critical against women who DO take naked pictures of themselves. Well not exactly. I don’t think of them as not being a lady, but I do question not only their morals, but their common sense.

We all know that relationships go bad. When they do, you gotta expect that someone is going to be so angry that they are going to exact revenge is the worst possible way. Meaning if they have naked pictures of you, then they might end up sending those pictures out to their friends. And yours. And your family for good measure. Probably even your boss and co-workers.

Then there are those awkward situations you get into. Like you get questioned by the police and they confiscate your phone. Of COURSE they are going to see the naked pictures of yourself. Such a thing happened to a women in New York whose boyfriend was arrested for suspicion of stabbing someone. Now she is mad, and upset because when they returned the phone to her, there was one of her naked pictures on the screen.  I mean come one, did she REALLY think they wouldn’t look at the pictures?

I will admit it here and now, I have old fashion morals. I will also admit that I have Biblical morals. So I take a pretty harsh view of people who take naked pictures of themselves then get mad when people see them who shouldn’t. Call me old fashioned, go ahead. It won’t hurt my feelings at all. Don’t get it twisted, I believe people deserve their privacy. I really do. But taking naked pictures of yourself on your phone? That isn’t private. Never has been, never will be. So as far as I’m concerned, if you do it, you must EXPECT them to be seen by people who shouldn’t or that you don’t want to.

You really only have to look at the headlines to realize how dangerous this behavior is. Weinergate anyone?  Not only was it gross, but embarrassing. Not only to Mr. Weiner, but also to the young lady he TWITTER the now infamous picture of himself to.

Women, girls, ladies. Grow up. Respect yourself. Respect the fact that in this day and age, anything you do that that is captured by picture, video or is placed on-line, is anything BUT private. If you fail to follow that rule, then expect the worst. If you have pictures that are R-Rated or worse, then for all that is holy, delete them. Make the person you sent them to delete them. Either that, then don’t come crying when your naked body is seen by the masses. 

My Wife and The Food Network



Being a man, I obviously do that annoying thing (at least as far as women are concerned) of channel surfing on the TV.  Because I do it, I knew there was this channel called The Food Network, but I had never checked it out. I mean why would I? I figured it was filed with shows about cooking, most of it fancy high dollar restaurant quality meals. Well, I never get to eat at places like that. You know, the restaurants that have names for courses that sound like a foreign language (or IS a foreign language) and where you are forced to eat ridiculously small portions in a tie.

A TIE for sweet heaven’s sake.

So my man-dar (you know, my male radar) would go off in the register of “Snotty Fine Cooking for the Rich” and I skipped over that channel as fast as possible.

Also being a man, I am not picky about food. If it’s food I can eat without indigestion or an allergic reaction, and if you put it in front of me, it gets eaten with a smile. Hey, I’m just grateful my wife will cook for me.  And yes ladies, before you ask, I HAVE been known to cook. I’m not that bad. I can even boil water. With salt in it. I make a mean gumbo and I love making Mexican Corn Bread. Nothing fancy mind you, I’m a man after all and I kinda fall into that standard of meat and potatoes kind of guy.

Also, because I’m a man, my home is my castle. I’m not a harsh king, even letting my daughter take over the TV to play her playstation, and I even let my wife watch some questionable content that sets of my man-dar. You know, chick flicks, shows with men who all the women swoon over, and try to ignore her sighs of pleasure over the likes of Gerard Butler.

But there are still moments when it’s football, hockey, science-fiction blasting movies, action movies, comedies, documentaries, and other content that most men watch.

Lately though, there has been a bit of an insurrection in my castle.

It all started the day I came home from work, walked in, and didn’t even get a hello from my lovely wife. Why? She was staring in rapt fascination at the TV. So naturally, I looked at the TV to see what she was looking at, figuring it was Gerard Butler again. But no. It was…. The Food Network.

My first response was to scream in horror and ask her what she thought she was doing. But she was IGNORING ME. Again, I’m a fairly nice king in my castle so I muttered under my breath and moved on. Things to do you know. After all, whatever she was watching would go off eventually, and then when I finished what I was doing, I figured we could catch some classic we had seen before. Like the Fifth Element or something (that movie seems to be on every other day). But to my surprise, my wife CONTINUED watching The Food Network. All night long. My curiosity got the best of me so I figured I better check into what she was watching. I didn’t want her getting any snotty food ideas. She was watching some show called Chopped. In it, chefs get a basket of weird ingredients (most that I have never even HEARD of) and had to make a dish with it. I immediately saw how challenging it was and it pleased my man-dar enough for me to watch it and I had to admit later, it was actually not that bad.

So my wife now had a fascination with this show. Not so bad right?  Oh, but that wasn’t all. Things quickly got out of control. She moved on to other Food Network shows. Like The Great Food Truck Race and Restaurant Impossible. And a few more as well. She stayed up late, and watched it during the day. It was all Food Network, all the time.

Football? Nope.

Hockey? Nope.

Action flicks? Nope.

Butwhat really made me realize there might be a problem was when on one Sunday evening, realizing one of her Food Network shows came on at the same time as Game of Thrones (something we both really enjoy), she asked me to DVR her Food Network program. When I did, I noticed the hard drive on it was almost full. I was quite surprised because the week before there was only one or two shows on it. So I naturally scrolled though the listings on the DVR, only to discover it was full and I mean FULL of recorded Food Network shows. She had been recording these shows ALL WEEKEND LONG.

Then she went and asked my parents for a food processor for Christmas, and now, well, you can’t even imagine. The other night she  made chicken meatballs with spinach pesto linguine. Good? Yes. But not the usual fare coming from our kitchen.

That was probably the point when I realized my wife had a problem. An addiction, to The Food Network Channel.  Anyone know of any 12 step programs for it? I mean really, I need to get my TV back sometime soon. The Super Bowl is fast approaching.

I’ve got an idea about Mobile Devices.



My wife likes to tell me that I’m a techno nerd. I would deny it if I could.  Oh wait, this is my blog, so I CAN deny it.  I’m not a techno nerd.  I just appreciate good hardware.

Now that we have that handled, I wanted to share a few thoughts on some technology that apparently has become so crucial that we can no longer live without it.

I’m talking about cell phones of course.

Yeah, there have been lots of posts about cell phones.  It used to be that people complained about how rude it was for those who couldn’t shut their mouths walking around everywhere talking on their cell phones loudly.  Now, it seems that people are usually walking around texting everyone, and running into things.  If they aren’t texting, ther’re walking around updating their facebook status, or sharing with the world where they are by “checking in”.

Although I’ve done this all, a few times at least, the fact remains that the device you are walking around with is a cell phone.  With the emphasis on PHONE.  You know, that thing that used to hang on the walls of our kitchen, had a round dial, and you used it to call your family and friends? 

I fondly remember the days of getting in trouble for listening in on my sister’s conversations with her boyfriends, or getting yelled at for spending to much time on the phone.  Why?  Because there was no such thing as call waiting.  You may not remember this, but if you were on your phone, and someone tried to call you, you would get a “busy signal”.  Busy signals caused a lot of frustration, especially when you really needed to contact someone with important news.  Like needing to be bailed out of jail.  Thankfully, this has never happened to me.  Or to spread gossip about family or friends.  You know, Very Important News Stuff.

Because “busy signals” were so frustrating, the phone companies, who were viewed on the same level as satan, because of all their fees and hard to read bills, came up with a cool idea.  Call waiting.  This was a feature that allowed someone to call you while you were on the phone and instead of a “busy signal”, they would hear the familiar ringing like they weren’t on the phone. Of course, everyone had to have call waiting.  And of course, people being people, they simply ignored the other person calling, which lead to more aggravation.

So someone somewhere got the idea that we just didn’t have enough time to talk on the phone because hey, we work all day long, run errands on the weekend, and basically, didn’t spend enough time at our homes to answer the phone, and hear all the gossip.  So that person invented a device called a cell phone.  It was a phone you carried around with you, so you could listen to your gossip no matter where you were. Like in the movie theatre.  Or the line at the bank.

Of course, that wasn’t enough.  Because soon people were spreading gossip in other ways. It was called e-mail and the internet.  So naturally, it was soon discovered that we weren’t home enough to be on our computers so the cell phone involved into a device that connected to the internet, as well as being able to take phone calls.   This lead to people spreading gossip by text, calls, and social media.  Oh yeah, and telling the world what they were doing every minute of the day, because everyone knows that what YOU are doing is the most interesting thing in the world to everyone else.  Even when you announce that you have to go to the bathroom.  Or even putting everyone’s life around you in danger because you have to do all this while driving.

Personally, I think that this has led to most of us to become sincerely self absorbed.  But that’s not why I’m sitting at my computer, ignoring Facebook and Twitter, typing out this post.

I still want to talk about cell phones.

You see, we have come so far with these devices, in our mad dash to be “connected” that someone missed a step.

The one where cell phones actually work very well as….. a phone.

Oh come on, you know what I’m talking about. Dropped calls, voices cutting in and out, cell phones that don’t work for very long before breaking down, that sort of thing.  In the old days, when you had a phone hanging on your wall, the thing could be used to beat your children with, and the only time you couldn’t understand what the person on the phone with you was saying was when the kids were running around causing havoc in the house, which of course is how it was discovered your could use the hand held part of the phone to beat your children with, without breaking the thing.  Those phone were almost indestructible. I think they indestructibility of these phone is what led Timex to come out with their line: “Timex, it takes a licking, but keeps on ticking”.

Maybe it’s just me, but is it really to much to ask to have a phone that actually can make a phone call without worrying about missing half the conversation, or dropping a call? Or suddenly deciding to break down on you after only owning it for three months?  Especially when you consider how much I pay you every month and the trouble I have deciphering your cryptic bills.

So how about it Mobile Device Manufacturers?  How about stop putting out new devices every month that bring exciting new options for connecting to social media, surfing the web, and fast download speeds, and come out with a phone that worked as well as the one that hung on my kitchen wall back in the 90’s.  Some of us still use these mobile devices for TALKING, for business, that sort of thing.

I don’t care if it’s the device manufacturers fault or the fault of the network they are operating on (because I think it’s both because I have had a number of cell phones over the years).

I want a mobile device that will make a call and be able to have an actual phone conversation without missing words or dropping a call.  Seriously.

Please, and thank you.

Kitteh Galore

So where have I been?  I’m sorry I haven’t been around, but things have been busy, busy, busy.  Between work and making sure my daughter reaches her goal of graduating high school, I’ve been a bit preoccupied.  Not to mention the third tiny, insey whinsey little issue of pregnant cats and a deranged wife.

I’ve explained our family issue of the numerous cats that have decided to take over my property before so I won’t revisit.  However, there is something you need to know about feral cats.  If they are female?  They somehow become pregnant.  Don’t ask me how, this is NOT a kitty porn post.

So somehow, we had 4 female cats get pregnant within weeks of each other (sigh).  Funny thing about pregnant cats?  They suddenly become a lot less feral if they are used to you.

Because of this fact, my wife decided that to get rid of all the kittens, she would need to socialize them.  To do that, she needed to know where they were born.  Feral cats are funny about letting you know where they hide their kittens at.  I guess they think, despite the fact you have been nice to THEM, you will eat them.  In my wife’s quest to get rid of kittens (mhm, like I was buying into that story), she waiting until the cats were as big around as pumpkins, and then GOT THEM IN THE HOUSE.

The result?  15 kittens.  In. My. House.

Further result?

Tripping on kittens.  Kittens climbing my legs. Kittens knocking things over.  Kittens GETTING ON MY LAST NERVE.

If I was a James Bond villain, my name would be Kitteh Galore.  It’s HORRIBLE.

Last night, I was trying to go to sleep and one of them decided to climb the bed and attack various parts of my body even though I wasn’t moving around.

Oh the agony!

Needless to say, as their age is quickly approaching the “kick ‘em out the door” time, I’m SO ready for these balls of fur to go away.

There is light at the end of the tunnel though. We have a number of people already speaking for a portion of the kittens.  But I need MORE PEOPLE TO TAKE THEM.  Also, I saw this advertisement for this device you put in your yard that keeps animals away from it.  Anyone know if these devices work?  I’m ready to invest!

Car Repair: A Neutral Safety Switch that isn't so Neutral

You can’t expect to drive a car and never have anything go wrong.  That simply goes against the laws of the universe.  If you’re lucky, every once in a while in your life you will find that vehicle where it seems that it will run forever.  Until it doesn’t.

My wife, years ago when we both worked and had money to buy things like cars, decided she just had to have a Dodge Durango.  Not only did she like the look, but she wanted and SUV with lots of room in it.  This was her trying not to LOOK like a soccer Mom, but in reality living like one.   Since a Durango far out classes a freakin MiniVan, I was like, sure.  Let’s see if we can find a nice one.

Let it be known I did have reservations.  I had heard they will horrible on gas, and I had been in one and was of the opinion that the seats were cheap.  They seemed so THIN.  Anyway, being an awesome husband, I decided to go along with the plan.  At least for the moment.

As you may know by now, I am in sales and I drive a lot.  I had already purchased two vehicles from one dealer and had a great experience.  So we contacted the salesman we had been dealing with and told him what we were looking for.  About a month later, he gave us a call.

So off we went to see what he had found for us.  When we got to the lot, there it sat.  A 2000 Dodge Durango with a 4.7L V8 engine, plus the added bonus of the third seat in the back (an option).  It was in terrific shape.  It had been purchased brand new by a family, meaning only one owner, and they had taken very good care of it.  They had ordered it with the third seat as an option because of their kids.  This vehicle was used, but let me assure you it didn’t look used.  It looked brand new and it was 4 years old.  The only real reservation I had after looking at it was the mileage. It had 88,000 miles on it.  After driving it, I had to admit that I loved it.  Even after 4 years, it drove like a dream and those seats I thought were cheap?  Well after 4 years and 88,000 miles, they were unworn.  So, we bought the thing.

Now it’s 2011 and the vehicle has been a good one.  We even drove it to New York city, Niagara Falls and to Dallas, TX.  It has 130,000+ miles on it and the only thing we have done to it is change the oil and get new tires.  It does need a few things done to it.  Mostly just cosmetic.  There is a scratch down one door and the clothes hanger in the back on one side broke off when we drove it to New York.  I’m suspicious of the radio, because I think it is about to go because sometimes not all the speakers work.  But the thing IS 11 years old, so I have counted myself very lucky with this one.

The other morning, however, my wife got in it and it wouldn’t start.  The engine wouldn’t even turn over.  It wouldn’t even make that clicking noise that a car will make when the battery is dead.  Just in case, I hooked up jumper cables, and nothing.

Now I’m not a mechanic.  I don’t work on my own cars that much.  I can change the oil, I can change the brakes, and maybe a few other things, but other than that?  Well, I’m kinda scared to tackle a lot of things.  Luckily, I have a friend who knows how to work on cars.  Being the kind of friend he is, when I called him that day, he said he would be over that night.  We thought maybe it was the starter.  So we took it off and had it tested.  It was good.  The next thing we checked was the ignition relay.  It was good.  So I got on the internet and did some research, as did my wife.  We both found the same thing.  The likely culprit was the neutral safety switch.

The neutral safety switch is responsible for the back up lights and not allowing the car to be started unless it’s in park or neutral.  So me and the friend decided it should be easy enough to fix.

Boy, were we wrong.  First of all, we couldn’t find it.  The parts store said one thing, those repair books you can buy said the same thing, but the neutral safety switch was NOT WHERE IT SAID IT WAS.  So it was back to the internet.  I found a reference to the fact that certain types of transmissions on this model have the neutral safety switch on the valve body in the transmission and to change it out you had to take off the transmission fluid pan to fix.  Well, by now it was the weekend and none of the parts stores seemed to have this version of the safety neutral switch.  I’m talking Advance, Auto Zone and NAPA.  Couldn’t call the dealer, since they were closed on weekends.  So we decided to look for it ONE MORE TIME.  In the course of all of this, we had unplugged a number of sensors on the transmission.  Then plugged them back in.  Needless to say, we finally gave up, because we just couldn’t find it.  We felt defeated and annoyed.  Now we were going to have to wait until Monday (tomorrow) and contact the dealer.

At the last minute, my friend climbed into the vehicle and tried to start it.  Guess what?  It started (facepalm).  If we hadn’t spent all day trying to get this fixed, we might have laughed.  Instead, all we did was shake our heads and be very aggravated over the fact that none of the information we could find helped us.

The only thing we can figure is that one of the wiring plugs we unplugged had some corrosion on it and when he disconnected it and reconnected it, it solved the problem.  But man, what a way to spend an entire Saturday!

Yeah, I'm trying to find the humor in all this but it seems to be on vacation.  But I'm sure you can find it.

An Appalachian Adventure

On Monday morning, my job took me Southwest into the State of Virginia.  I will be the first to admit that there are parts of Virginia that are absolutely beautiful.  Virginia is such a diverse state in regards to the fact there is Ocean front, marsh lands, large rivers, fairly flat lands, and even majestic mountains.  We even host the world famous Luray Caverns and if you haven’t seen them, you should try to make it out one day.

One of the things Southwest Virginia is known for is Coal.  We have a number of large coal mines deep in the Appalachian mountains.  My eventual destination was one of these towns.

I’ve travelled all over the state, but I had not yet been to coal town.  As a coal virgin, I really wasn’t sure what to expect.  So when I pulled into town, I was quite bug eyed.

It seems that coal towns are planned rather differently than most towns.  At least the one I visited, and several others I passed through.  They make a road, by blasting through rock faces and everything is built along the road.  Stores, houses, you name it.  When they run out of room, they simply stack things up the mountain side.  Sort of like those step pyramids. 

When I got to town, the first thing I noticed was that I had no cell phone service.  This really didn’t surprise me, since you are surrounded by mountains.  I knew I would have internet access, because I asked the hotel and was quite proudly told “we even have WIRELESS access in our hotel”.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I fully expected to have to milk the Hotel owner’s cows to gain access though.

When I decided to get something to eat, I asked and it seemed my best choice without spending “the big bucks” by going to the Peking Chinese Restaurant was The Huddle House.  For those not in the know, The Huddle House is pretty much like Waffle House, but they don’t concentrate on waffles.  They concentrate on Huddles, whatever those are.  I suspect it has something to do with Mountain Oysters and if you don’t know what THOSE are, you don’t want to know.  Trust me.  The food?  Not to bad actually.  Although they were out of butter.  How can you be out of butter surrounded by cows?  I mean come on, just go like, churn some right?

One of the things I learned though, while visiting this town, was why people in mountain country drive so slow.  I really had never thought about before and just figured it was because people who live in the mountains typically live at a slower pace than us city folk.  Well, nothing could be further from the truth.  It occurred to me that first of all, to drive 30 miles in the mountains will typically take you an hour. At least.  So mountain folk are just as much in a hurry as the rest of us.  The problem it seems, is that mountain folk drive slowly because they really don’t know what to expect in the case of what is going to fall off the mountain onto the road in front of their cars.  Things like trees, rocks, drunk people, small animals, and bears.   Yes, bears.  Hitting a deer is one thing, but can you imagine hitting a bear?  Especially one that SHOULD be hibernating?  That’s a good way to get your car, and your face, eaten real quick.  Small animals you can count on, at least for no other reason everywhere else they run OUT INTO the road.  I guess it stands to reason they are going to tumble there way OFF a mountain.  If it happens to be a cat, I fully expect it would land on it’s feet and begin to wash furiously, trying to make you think it was just skiing or something, instead of rolling down a hill.  You know how cats are.

I think the fear of drunk people falling onto the road off the mountain originated from the days of when there were lots of illegal stills.  But maybe I’m wrong about that.  There isn’t much to do in these towns as far as I could see, so maybe people just end up drinking to much.

I am happy to report though, the town I visited had a brand new place to eat.  Brand new building and everything.  It was a Pizza Hut.  Maybe next time I go though there I will stop and eat.  As long as there are no Mountain Oysters on that pizza that is.

I do know that I worry about the way that have housing set up in these town though.  If a rock at top breaks free, and rolls down the mountain, it’s going to take out houses like a bowling ball and bowling pins.  That kinda makes me nervous.  And maybe THAT’S why people drink in these towns.

My Blackberry is broken

Came across this video and thought it was funny enough to share.  If you don't like British humor, you still might get a kick out of this one.

Utter Poetry - Can a human head spontaneously explode?

Sometimes, just sometimes, you run across someone on a rant that ends up to be so utterly amazing, it falls into the catagory of poetry.

Case in point.  My Lovely Wife, who happens to be much younger than me.  Because I am a stud muffin.  You can find her original post over at Refusing To Age Gracefully

Take a look around, though the link goes directly to her original post, despite the fact I am copying it here.  She  is a funny woman.  Being with me, she would have to have sense of humor, trust me on this fact.  She will also tell you those pin-up girls aren't her.  While they might not be, she could pull it off.  I just haven't found the right bribe (and that includes large quantities of chocolate) to get her to dress like that.  Won't stop me from trying though.

I won't even bother to go into how I felt about this situation.  Needless to say, it's hard to put seeing red and contemplating explosions and firearms, and torture devices into words.  I will say, that I wasn't totally aware of the entire situation, since not only is my wife much younger, prettier, and funnier than I am, she is also a lot smarter.  She knew I would likely lose control of myself and destroy things.  Like people, small animals, cars, and the invincible Chuck Norris.  Even if I had to Put On A Costume of The Burger King  If you have trouble understanding who Kitty Princess is, because I know you aren't as smart as me, it's our daughter.

So without further comment from the peanut gallery (me), here is a copy of her post.

Can a Human Head Spontaneously Combust?

Okay so there are a few reasons I've been MIA.  One of course is the emotional roller coaster my darling, sweet, precious, oh so blinded by love little girl has had me riding since Christmas Eve.  Since I'm not too sure I can still form coherent thoughts, (lack of good sleep, exhaustion, cleaning for upcoming visit, etc.) I'll just make this easy.

Dec. 23

• Kitty Princess texts me to tell me the bf proposed.
• I inquire about a ring to find there isn't one.
• When will there be one?  Maybe spring.
• What did he get her?
• Nothing.
• Kitty Princess texts me to say "hope you didn't tell anyone, it's not happening"
• I say ummm WTF?
• She says she'll explain when she gets home.
• She gets home and it's "on" again.  Everything is fine.
• Mama Kitty asks very few questions since head is in danger of imminent explosion.
• We all go night night.

Dec. 24

• Christmas Eve!  Yay!
• Kitty Princess wants to know what time bf should come over.
• Kitty Princess is working til 7.
• I tell Kitty Princess not a good idea.  She just saw him and Grumama will be all nervous.
• Kitty Princess agrees and we have a lovely dinner and gift exchange with grandparents.
• Come home and Kitty Princess gets on the phone with bf.
• Boyfriend tells her his best friend's parents are getting him and best friend a job in California at a pharmaceutical company.
• Mama Kitty is happy.
• Then Mama Kitty finds out he wants her to go with him.
• Kitty Princess and bf fight.  A lot.
• Kitty Princess is crying.
• Hysterically.
• Boyfriend is going to break up with her.  Engagement is off.
• Mama Kitty is happy.  Bad Mama Kitty.
• Mama Kitty explains that bf is an ass.  Tells Kitty Princess that even God couldn't get a job at a pharmaceutical company since God doesn't have a four year degree.
• Sometime in the wee hours of the morning (after ruining Christmas Eve) bf decides he still loves her and they don't have to go to California.
• Mama Kitty is not happy again.
• We all go night night.

Dec. 25

• Christmas Day!  Yay!
• Kitty Princess wants to know when she can see boyfriend.
• Fight ensues when she's told that paternal grandparents are coming over and then we have to go to their house for dinner.  No time for bf to come over.
• Kitty Princess pouts.
• Mama Kitty is happy, not about pouting about no bf on Christmas.
• Enjoy Christmas, opening gifts from in-laws, go to dinner to have repeat of sad from niece who is told SHE can't go home with her bf because it's snowing like a bitch and she has to work the next day and boyfriend lives a zillion miles away.
• Decide all females under the age of 25 are systematically insane.
• Come home and Kitty Princess talks to bf rest of night.
• Boyfriend gets mad at her over World of Warcraft and another fight ensues.
• Mama Kitty is tired of the fighting by 1:00 a.m. and leaves the Kitty Princess to go to bed.

Dec. 26

• Kitty Princess works til 9:30
• Kitty Princess gets off work and bf asks where she's been since he KNOWS that her employer closes at 6 p.m. on Sundays.
• Mama Kitty is shellshocked that Kitty Princess didn't go the hell off on bf.
• Apparently bf's best friend worked for two months at GameStop and knows everything there is to know about their practices including holiday hours, amazing since he never worked a holiday hour in his life.
• Mama Kitty isn't asking any more freaking questions cuz her head is going to explode.

Dec. 27

• Kitty Princess has day off.  Spends day on phone with bf playing World of Warcraft.
• Mama Kitty wanted to make cookies and watch movies.
• Other stuff happened that made Mama Kitty not happy.
• Mama Kitty went to bed with monster headache and the very real desire to give the hell up.

Dec. 28

• Blogging is safe.  Mama Kitty shall return to blogging where she can rant and rave and sound like a lunatic about the horrors of bf and having an intelligent, beautiful daughter who is blinded by the thought that love is possible with a good for nothing, worthless, horrible person who doesn't even buy her a gift for Christmas.

And there you have it.  Is it any wonder I can't put more than two words to paper without feeling like my head is going to explode and checking the house to pinpoint the location of every available pointed or sharpened object I own?  Ladies and gentleman, gather round and pray with me that THIS

never, ever, ever, ever, ever happens.  Please and thank you.
***********End of Post***********

And there you have it.  Poetic, if I do say so myself.  Now I'm off to scan for pin-ups to see if she has something to match it, just to try an convince her to put it on.  No doubt, she will tell me she has a headache.  In this case?  Who could blame her?



Something's fishy around here and it's snowing minnows

Funny thing.   All week long leading up to Christmas, there has been speculation that we were going to get a big snow storm here.  Now mostly, meteorologists like to agree on things.  But for whatever the reason, this year they can’t seem to agree on anything.  I suspect it was due to something like a summer meteorologists picnic gone wrong.  Too much wine and beer, leading to pushing, shoving, and name calling.  And it probably rained on them, which in my book, seems appropriate, maybe even poetic.  But that’s all beside the point.

We have one local weatherman who has been uncannily correct over the last year on calling bad weather.  Maybe he is practicing  voodoo or something.   Wouldn’t surprise me one bit.  But he was the source of calling for a big snow, and so many people listen to him locally, everyone was getting riled up.  Then, on Thursday, he said: “Opps, I have to eat crow.  All the weather models changed”.  That was big of him, despite all the crying and moaning going on about not getting a white Christmas.  In fact, one of the local TV stations poked fun at him.  Rude, but there ya go.

Then on Friday, our handy dandy weather man, who seems to never be wrong, came back out and said: “OH MY GOSH! Looks like the weather patterns are changing AGAIN, and we will get a big snow on Christmas day and the day after.  Most of the weather stations stayed quite about this all day, until Friday night, when they began to agree that we might get a couple of inches.  No doubt they had all gathered together at a bar to drink, swap stories, lie, hit on each other, and make a stand on what they would all say.

So Christmas morning came, and by the afternoon, it was snowing here.  Snowing and snowing good.  We went to my parents last night and by the time we came home (about 8:00 PM) it was starting to stick to the roads and looked like there was no sign of it stopping.  So this morning?  Woke up to this, and it’s still snowing.

You will note how messed up the snow on the deck is.  And that I can’t take a picture that is level.  But ignore that part.  The snow is messed up because the cat-lady I happen to be married to let her brood of cats out and they starting trying to tunnel under the snow.  Weird and creepy.

Now if I was this uncannily voodoo involved weatherman, I think I would be crowing, instead of eating crow.  He was right after all.  It looks like we have about 6” of the white stuff and it’s still coming down.  He says we will end up with up to 12” and right now, it looks possible.

Now the fun part begins.  You see, on Christmas Eve, while my daughter was working, my wife and I spent a very little amount of money on a used desk from Goodwill.  I kinda need a decent desk, and the one I am using, she hates.  She would have chopped it up already while I slept, if she knew where the axe was.  Luckily, I’m a smart man, and keep it well hidden.  But the problem is now we have to go get that desk.  Today.  While it’s snowing.  And as I’ve already explained in previous posts, snow in Richmond does not make for safe roads.  We have a big, gas guzzling, Dodge Durango which could drive up Mount Everest, but I have to watch out for all the stupid drivers out there, which are legion.

Once that is done, I have to take my kid to work.  She works at a gaming store (yeah she is a nerd, even if she doesn’t look like one.  Unless you can call looking like a Barbie Doll a nerd).  I swear I think their store does as much business as it does because all the nerd boys come to gawk at her and get sweaty palms.  Which, as a father, creeps me out.

Side note: I just came in from cleaning off the Durango.  Seems we have had temps get just low enough to freeze so I had to scrape all the windows.  Of course NOW it’s well below freezing, 28 Degrees in fact.  Obviously I didn’t’ have on gloves and a coat, because with this face, and this body, adding a coat makes me look like a scary Frosty the Snow Man and I send kids screaming for cover.

I’m about to leave to brave the cold and snowy roads to go get gas, the desk, and stuff to make soup.  I’ll finish this post when I’m back, and the desk is in place.

*************(HOURS AND HOURS LATER) *************

Not only did I get the stuff for soup, got it made, got the desk, got the desk in place, but I also took the geekgirl to work.  It was… Adventure Time, as my daughter likes to say.

If you’ve read my previous post on what happens here in Richmond when it snows, then you know what I’m saying here.  IT WAS RIDICULOUS OUT THERE.  The main roads were clear, just wet from melting snow.  The neighborhood roads are still covered with about an inch at least.  Which would make you think smart people would stay home and off the roads.  Obviously there are no smart people in Richmond.  Before you point that pointy finger at ME, let me remind you I’m not speaking of the people who KNOW HOW TO DRIVE IN THE SNOW.  Like me.

So let’s see.  My neighbor?  Somehow some person, no doubt in a sports car with tires made for sticking to DRY PAVEMENT, ended up in his yard.  How do I know?  Because there are tire tracks through it.  How they got there is a mystery, since we live on a corner and the road is actually exiting our neighborhood and wasn’t covered in snow.

On the way home?  Yeah.  Someone in a Toyota tried to stop at the stop sign, almost sliding out into the road so I could hit him.  Deliberate?  Not sure.  Good driver?  Probably not.  Should he be allowed on the road?  ABSOLUTELY NOT.  Oh well, it’s his insurance that will take the ding, not my personal checking account.

Oh yeah, and when we got geekgirl to work?  People streaming into the game store.  Because, you know, if you’re a geek, you gotta visit the game store EVERY DAY WITHOUT FAIL.  Or you will die.  Or the city will explode.  Or C.E.R.N. (look it up people) will create a black hole and destroy us all.  It’s still odd to see my daughter, who could pass for a real life Barbie, going into a game store.  But alas, she got her geekness from me, and loves her job.

Now the only thing left to do is go and get her when her shift ends.  Since it’s still snowing, and the roads starting getting covered again, I’m really not looking forward to it.

My Night Before Christmas Ya'll



Twas the Night Before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, except the 18 cats the cat-lady had let in the house.

The stocking were hung, (even the cat's) by the chimney with care,

And even the 18 stupid cats hoped to get something in there.

The child was nestled all snug in her bed,

With visions of her jerk boyfriend having asked her to marry him he said.

And Mamma in her unsexy nightgown and me in my cups,

I had just been over the financials and realized we were stuck.

The reasons he had asked her were perfectly clear,

Despite wanting my child, who I severely hold dear.

He was lazy and stupid, with no money, not even a buck,

This guy has proven to me to be nothing but a shmuck.

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,

I grabbed my 9mm and went to see what was the matter.

Away to the door I ran like the Flash,

And opened the door, secretly praying for cash.

The moon on the breast of my wife’s heaving chest,

Gave my eyes the luster of what I was thinking of next.

When what to my wondering eye should appear?

But a miniature sleigh, and 8 tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it was that fat, lying, dirty old St. Nick.

More rapid than the 18 stupid hungry cats, his courses they came,

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

Now Dancer!, now Dasher!, now Prancer! and Vixen!

On Comet!, on Cupid!, on Donner! And Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!

Now Dash away!, Dash away! Dash away all!

As dry leaves (like our money) that before the wild hurricane fly,

As they met with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

So up to the house top, the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of even more bills and that fat old St. Nick too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,

The crashing and splintering from each fat reindeer hoof.

As I holstered my 9, and was turning around,

Down the chimney that drunken fatty came down.

His eyes, how they were blood-shot, his dimples how merry,

His cheeks were like roses, his nose as red as a cherry,

His droll little mouth was drawn up in a sneer,

And his beard was covered in foam, from a frosty beer.

The stump of a crack pipe he held tight in his yellow teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his almost bald head like a sick wreath.

He had a broad face and a fat round belly,

That shook when he chortled, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and half naked, a right slimy old elf,

And I cringed when I saw him, scarred for life in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,

I soon knew this was a reckoning, and had everything to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And found all my hidden cash, slapped the wife on her butt, then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside his fat red nose,

Slammed down some collection bills, then up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,

“Hey it may be Christmas, and I took all your cash, but have a good night!”

With anger and quickness, I dashed outside,

I pulled my 9, and pushed my wife to the side.

I was determined to put a stop to all of this madness,

Since him taking my cash had filled me with sadness.

As I sighted and took aim, and prepared to fire,

I finally realized this wasn’t the Christmas Sire.

The look was off, just a disguise I was sure,

It had to be the bank, with no intentions to be pure.

I swallowed heavily, knowing I’d missed my chance,

And I just knew that my checking account had a zero balance.

With no gifts for the wife, or even my child,

I don’ t mind telling you I was quite riled.

I stomped into the house, ready to fight,

Only to discover that my wife had gone to bed for the night.

I picked up the bottle, and gave it a pull,

Then grabbed the hammer and gave a few whacks to my skull.

I was tired, and stressed, with no Christmas this year,

Because no way would we get any help around here.

Our entire situation, made me want to scream or yelp,

If only our mortgage company would agree to help.

But all banks and collectors are filled with greed,

Driving their fancy cars down the road like some prized steed.

They didn’t care who lives they got to ruin,

Despite all the law suites, despite all the suing.

I sat down in my chair, felling lost and lonely,

I even picked up cuddled my child’s old little stuffed pony.

I wanted to sit there, grumble and curse, full of spite,

Then with awe, something came to my sight.

It was our tree, filled with lights and ornaments galore,

And it made me slide, down, all the way to the floor.

It reminded me of quite simply of the entire reason,

What Christmas was for, what was the cause for this season.

A Christ child was born and as a perfect gift was given,

It made my mind change direction, with a new direction I was driven.

So I closed my eyes, and down my cheek slid a tear,

As I prayed for those who burdens were more than they could bear.

So despite all my anger, my frustrations and fear,

I went to bed with a light heart, my mind again clear.

I stopped to look at my wife as she slept,

And just knew in my heart His promises would be kept.

Next year would be different, of this I was certain,

As I looked at the moon, through our home maid curtain.

 I laid down my aching head, to rest my tired mind,

And new all would be well, it would just take a little time.

How to tell a loved one they are crazy – too crazy – about cats

BE RESPONSIBLE - SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR PETS



I know I have blogged about cats a lot.  I can’t seem to help it, because not only are they funny but my wife collects them like a nerd collects Pokemon cards.  And belly button lint.  Despite the fact, here is yet another post that is going to feature….. (wait for it)…. Cats.  And my wife.

I’ve already explained in previous posts how my wife seems to have an unusual ability to attract cats from all over the place.  She says it’s just from the neighborhood, but I swear I saw one of those feline beasties with a Passport stamp from Kazakhstan.

The trouble with this, as you might well imagine, is that wild cats do one thing.  No, make that two.  They eat you out of house and home, and they will somehow all be female so that our irresponsible neighbors who won’t neuter their male cats can get them all pregnant.  I’ve tried to find Kitty Contraceptives, but alas, no joy.  Kittens are cute and all, but the rascals grow up and eat.  A lot.  Not to mention most of them seem to be female, thus multiplying the problem.

Needless to say, I have dreams of being eaten by a swarm of hungry felines and trust me, it’s a lot of food for them and a slow death for me.

I’ve attempted to explain to my wife that our house is quickly becoming over run, becoming to small, that we can’t keep feeding all these cats but I don’t think she is listening to me.  When I go on and on about it, she will attempt to justify her actions with these timeless classics.

It’s to cold for them outside

But they are hungry.

They are so cute.

I don’t want them to die.

But tonight, she was on the phone with someone local who arranges to have strays spayed and neutered, making me THINK she is trying to get a handle on the sudden feline population explosion going on at our address, and when she got off the phone she had a new justification.

She explained to me that this woman moved out of her condo and rented to some young girls.  She too had a cat population issue and despite not being able to really afford to feed all the cats, she still takes cat food to the girls once a week to feed the cats.  She then said, “see, I’m not crazy after all”.

This is when you have to bear down, be a man, and tell it like it is.  Sometimes you just have to tell the person you love that they are crazy.  So how do you do it?  You might try doing it like I did, with kindness, consideration and compassion.  I told her: “No, it just means you aren’t alone.”

Once she finished laughing, she picked up a butcher knife and gave me the death glare.  Being a man, I made a stand, from across the room and with furniture between us.

Seriously though, please spay and neuter your pets.  I wouldn’t have this problem if my neighbors took care of this themselves.  I would love to pay to have all these cats spayed or neutered, but I’m rather poor.  But still, we are trying to be responsible and have it taken care of.  If you have pets and can’t afford to have it done, there are organizations in your area that will do it for free.  Contact them please.  No pet deserves to be homeless and hungry.