The Journey Starts Here

Welcome to my odd sense of humor. Not always for the faint of heart.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Differnce Between Men and Women? Psshhht.

Men usually get a bad rap. I will admit, that sometimes, we deserve it. But there are times when women use this “bad rap” deal to their advantage.

Such was the case tonight.

We were watching TV. A commercial for Fairly Legal, the show on USA staring Sarah Shahi, came on.

My wife says: “I hater her”

My response?: “Why, because she is this big?” (making a tiny circle with my two hands)

Her response?” “Mhm”

I said: “what you need to understand is that there are a lot of guys who would climb on that. But there are plenty who wouldn’t for fear of hurting her, or getting hurt.”

Hey, don’t judge me, I was trying to make my wife feel better. I think she looks great. She looks like a WOMAN. She doesn’t look like an adolescent boy. She has curves. She is beautiful. She is WOMAN (and she frequently roars).

This is where men get in trouble. First, I should have just kept my mouth shut. I should have known better. I mean come ON, I’ve been married for almost 23 years!  I’ve learned a thing or two. Or three. But my only defense in opening my stupid trap is that.. well I was tired. The brain was not functioning. The lights were on, but no one was home. Someone stole a few crayons from my box. You know, I spoke without THINKING.

So of course, being a woman, she had to say SOMETHING.

Now she could have gone off one me. A lot of women might have. I might have had awkward questions like, “Then why do you like that show so much”. Or, “you only say that because you know that I know you think she is hot”. Or any other number of questions or accusations. Not to mention she had to go and write about it on her blog: The Difference Between Men and Women

Yeah, I’m man enough to admit that the actress in this show is attractive. But truthfully, she happens to be painfully thin. Attractive, but hey, so what?

Now before you women who might be reading this climb all over me, let me tell you the rest of the story.

My wife turned to me, and said: “You know, this is the difference between men and women. Men look at that and think about climbing on top of her and women look at that and think how much easier it would be to shop” (Obviously meaning if they were as thin as the actress).

Then not two minutes later, previews for next’s week White Collar came on and the Actor who plays Alcide on True Blood is going to quest staring. The actors name is Joe Manganiello. Apparently, a lot of women think he is hot.

My wife? She sighs in pleasure and says “that is one fine piece of real estate.”

So why do men get the bad rap I ask?  No justice I tell ya. None.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

So you took naked pictures of yourself

It’s a free country. I know this. I know people will be people and will do what they want. Even against their own better judgment.  But there comes a time when you really have to start wondering, when will people ever learn?

Over the past year, there have been so many stupid important news stories of girls (and a smaller number of guys) having their nude body shared with the world. All because they took pictures of themselves in the buff with their cell phone.

Oh I know it all starts innocently enough. Someone says, hey, this person loves me, I love them, so I’ll send them a naked picture of myself to brighten their day. What could, after all, go wrong? They wouldn’t shame my by sharing it, nor is there any reason under the sun that would cause someone to see these pictures. Therefore, not only will I take the picture, send it to the love of my life, but I will keep it on my phone where obviously it’s super safe from any prying eyes.

My first statement, that people will do what they want applies to both the person taking the picture, and the one receiving the picture, and while we are at it to hackers, friends who pick up your phone while you are out of the room, and yes, even the police.

Look, I’ve been married for 23 years now. At no time would I ever take a naked picture of myself and send it to my wife. Because I know her. She would be horrified at first, then she would share with her friends so they could all get a good laugh. Believe me, there is plenty to laugh at. My wife would never send me a naked picture, not because I would show it someone, but apparently, she has some common sense that seeing her naked is reserved for our bedroom. Not to mention my wife is a lady.

I’m not trying to be critical against women who DO take naked pictures of themselves. Well not exactly. I don’t think of them as not being a lady, but I do question not only their morals, but their common sense.

We all know that relationships go bad. When they do, you gotta expect that someone is going to be so angry that they are going to exact revenge is the worst possible way. Meaning if they have naked pictures of you, then they might end up sending those pictures out to their friends. And yours. And your family for good measure. Probably even your boss and co-workers.

Then there are those awkward situations you get into. Like you get questioned by the police and they confiscate your phone. Of COURSE they are going to see the naked pictures of yourself. Such a thing happened to a women in New York whose boyfriend was arrested for suspicion of stabbing someone. Now she is mad, and upset because when they returned the phone to her, there was one of her naked pictures on the screen.  I mean come one, did she REALLY think they wouldn’t look at the pictures?

I will admit it here and now, I have old fashion morals. I will also admit that I have Biblical morals. So I take a pretty harsh view of people who take naked pictures of themselves then get mad when people see them who shouldn’t. Call me old fashioned, go ahead. It won’t hurt my feelings at all. Don’t get it twisted, I believe people deserve their privacy. I really do. But taking naked pictures of yourself on your phone? That isn’t private. Never has been, never will be. So as far as I’m concerned, if you do it, you must EXPECT them to be seen by people who shouldn’t or that you don’t want to.

You really only have to look at the headlines to realize how dangerous this behavior is. Weinergate anyone?  Not only was it gross, but embarrassing. Not only to Mr. Weiner, but also to the young lady he TWITTER the now infamous picture of himself to.

Women, girls, ladies. Grow up. Respect yourself. Respect the fact that in this day and age, anything you do that that is captured by picture, video or is placed on-line, is anything BUT private. If you fail to follow that rule, then expect the worst. If you have pictures that are R-Rated or worse, then for all that is holy, delete them. Make the person you sent them to delete them. Either that, then don’t come crying when your naked body is seen by the masses. 

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

My Wife and The Food Network

Being a man, I obviously do that annoying thing (at least as far as women are concerned) of channel surfing on the TV.  Because I do it, I knew there was this channel called The Food Network, but I had never checked it out. I mean why would I? I figured it was filed with shows about cooking, most of it fancy high dollar restaurant quality meals. Well, I never get to eat at places like that. You know, the restaurants that have names for courses that sound like a foreign language (or IS a foreign language) and where you are forced to eat ridiculously small portions in a tie.

A TIE for sweet heaven’s sake.

So my man-dar (you know, my male radar) would go off in the register of “Snotty Fine Cooking for the Rich” and I skipped over that channel as fast as possible.

Also being a man, I am not picky about food. If it’s food I can eat without indigestion or an allergic reaction, and if you put it in front of me, it gets eaten with a smile. Hey, I’m just grateful my wife will cook for me.  And yes ladies, before you ask, I HAVE been known to cook. I’m not that bad. I can even boil water. With salt in it. I make a mean gumbo and I love making Mexican Corn Bread. Nothing fancy mind you, I’m a man after all and I kinda fall into that standard of meat and potatoes kind of guy.

Also, because I’m a man, my home is my castle. I’m not a harsh king, even letting my daughter take over the TV to play her playstation, and I even let my wife watch some questionable content that sets of my man-dar. You know, chick flicks, shows with men who all the women swoon over, and try to ignore her sighs of pleasure over the likes of Gerard Butler.

But there are still moments when it’s football, hockey, science-fiction blasting movies, action movies, comedies, documentaries, and other content that most men watch.

Lately though, there has been a bit of an insurrection in my castle.

It all started the day I came home from work, walked in, and didn’t even get a hello from my lovely wife. Why? She was staring in rapt fascination at the TV. So naturally, I looked at the TV to see what she was looking at, figuring it was Gerard Butler again. But no. It was…. The Food Network.

My first response was to scream in horror and ask her what she thought she was doing. But she was IGNORING ME. Again, I’m a fairly nice king in my castle so I muttered under my breath and moved on. Things to do you know. After all, whatever she was watching would go off eventually, and then when I finished what I was doing, I figured we could catch some classic we had seen before. Like the Fifth Element or something (that movie seems to be on every other day). But to my surprise, my wife CONTINUED watching The Food Network. All night long. My curiosity got the best of me so I figured I better check into what she was watching. I didn’t want her getting any snotty food ideas. She was watching some show called Chopped. In it, chefs get a basket of weird ingredients (most that I have never even HEARD of) and had to make a dish with it. I immediately saw how challenging it was and it pleased my man-dar enough for me to watch it and I had to admit later, it was actually not that bad.

So my wife now had a fascination with this show. Not so bad right?  Oh, but that wasn’t all. Things quickly got out of control. She moved on to other Food Network shows. Like The Great Food Truck Race and Restaurant Impossible. And a few more as well. She stayed up late, and watched it during the day. It was all Food Network, all the time.

Football? Nope.

Hockey? Nope.

Action flicks? Nope.

Butwhat really made me realize there might be a problem was when on one Sunday evening, realizing one of her Food Network shows came on at the same time as Game of Thrones (something we both really enjoy), she asked me to DVR her Food Network program. When I did, I noticed the hard drive on it was almost full. I was quite surprised because the week before there was only one or two shows on it. So I naturally scrolled though the listings on the DVR, only to discover it was full and I mean FULL of recorded Food Network shows. She had been recording these shows ALL WEEKEND LONG.

Then she went and asked my parents for a food processor for Christmas, and now, well, you can’t even imagine. The other night she  made chicken meatballs with spinach pesto linguine. Good? Yes. But not the usual fare coming from our kitchen.

That was probably the point when I realized my wife had a problem. An addiction, to The Food Network Channel.  Anyone know of any 12 step programs for it? I mean really, I need to get my TV back sometime soon. The Super Bowl is fast approaching.