Sometimes, my mouth gets the better of me. I’m sure you’re surprised by this fact, since I’m obviously so intelligent and all, but alas, it’s true. This time, not only did my mouth get the better of me, it got the better of a whole lot of people. Confused? I’ll explain, in simple words.
The current cold spell on the east coast is my fault.
Although I can often be found playing in my lab, using all kinds of interesting chemicals to discover interesting things (I could tell you some real stories here people), but one thing I haven’t managed to do yet is invent a way to control the weather. Despite this rather startling fact, my statement stands. I’m to blame for all this cold weather.
I should have known better. I’m no dummy. In fact, on an average of several times a year, I can be rather brilliant. But despite my enormous mental ability, I screwed up. Big time.
So, how cold is it? (Feel free to groan in horror) Why, it’s so cold, that my breath freezes and I walk smack dab into the middle of a block of ice. It’s so cold, parts of my body disappear in abject fright, like my nose and ears, retreating into my head to cower and wish for tropical locals. It’s so cold, I’ve been thinking of buying a padded bra for my moobs to keep from putting someone’s eye out. It’s so cold that my daughter kicks me in the shin every morning when I take her to school. It’s so cold, the horde of neighborhood cats that come to sponge off my wife, but won’t let you touch them, are actually begging to come inside. It’s so cold here In Virginia that the Governor has declared a state of emergency and has issued an arrest warrant for little old me (keeping in mind that little is a relative term when it comes to me).
How did all of this happen? What was it exactly I did to bring all of this down on all the unsuspecting citizens of the east coast?
Well, it all started in the summer.
You see, our central air decided that it had put in enough effort and it was time for a vacation. Then it gave up the ghost. Of course, it decided to do this during the hottest week we have seen around here in years. My family suffered through an entire week of high temperatures and unbelievable humidity. Sleep? Impossible. House work? Impossible. Grass cutting? HAH! The grass was crispier than McDonalds French Fries.
I was talking to my wife, whining and complaining about the heat, and I happened to make a bold statement that I’m now regretting. What was it I said?
“Honey, when winter gets here, you won’t find me complaining about the cold, just you watch.”
Oh, if only I had a time machine so I could go back and edit that statement. Like adding the words: “unless, of course, it’s cold enough to re-freeze ice”. Just so you know, re-freezed ice is like refried beans, only without the farting.
But since I can’t do that, I have to go out into the cold, shivering, wondering how many bruises I’m going to get from my breath blocks of ice, and hopping no one’s eye gets poked out. But don’t think I’m complaining mind you. I am, after all, a man of my word.
But my God is it cold out there.
So Mother Nature, you’ve gotten the last laugh. Have fun with it while it lasts because eventually, spring will return. You may have won the battle, but not the war.