Twas the Night Before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except the 18 cats the cat-lady had let in the house.
The stocking were hung, (even the cat's) by the chimney with care,
And even the 18 stupid cats hoped to get something in there.
The child was nestled all snug in her bed,
With visions of her jerk boyfriend having asked her to marry him he said.
And Mamma in her unsexy nightgown and me in my cups,
I had just been over the financials and realized we were stuck.
The reasons he had asked her were perfectly clear,
Despite wanting my child, who I severely hold dear.
He was lazy and stupid, with no money, not even a buck,
This guy has proven to me to be nothing but a shmuck.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I grabbed my 9mm and went to see what was the matter.
Away to the door I ran like the Flash,
And opened the door, secretly praying for cash.
The moon on the breast of my wife’s heaving chest,
Gave my eyes the luster of what I was thinking of next.
When what to my wondering eye should appear?
But a miniature sleigh, and 8 tiny reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it was that fat, lying, dirty old St. Nick.
More rapid than the 18 stupid hungry cats, his courses they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
Now Dancer!, now Dasher!, now Prancer! and Vixen!
On Comet!, on Cupid!, on Donner! And Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now Dash away!, Dash away! Dash away all!
As dry leaves (like our money) that before the wild hurricane fly,
As they met with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house top, the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of even more bills and that fat old St. Nick too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The crashing and splintering from each fat reindeer hoof.
As I holstered my 9, and was turning around,
Down the chimney that drunken fatty came down.
His eyes, how they were blood-shot, his dimples how merry,
His cheeks were like roses, his nose as red as a cherry,
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a sneer,
And his beard was covered in foam, from a frosty beer.
The stump of a crack pipe he held tight in his yellow teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his almost bald head like a sick wreath.
He had a broad face and a fat round belly,
That shook when he chortled, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and half naked, a right slimy old elf,
And I cringed when I saw him, scarred for life in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
I soon knew this was a reckoning, and had everything to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And found all my hidden cash, slapped the wife on her butt, then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside his fat red nose,
Slammed down some collection bills, then up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
“Hey it may be Christmas, and I took all your cash, but have a good night!”
With anger and quickness, I dashed outside,
I pulled my 9, and pushed my wife to the side.
I was determined to put a stop to all of this madness,
Since him taking my cash had filled me with sadness.
As I sighted and took aim, and prepared to fire,
I finally realized this wasn’t the Christmas Sire.
The look was off, just a disguise I was sure,
It had to be the bank, with no intentions to be pure.
I swallowed heavily, knowing I’d missed my chance,
And I just knew that my checking account had a zero balance.
With no gifts for the wife, or even my child,
I don’ t mind telling you I was quite riled.
I stomped into the house, ready to fight,
Only to discover that my wife had gone to bed for the night.
I picked up the bottle, and gave it a pull,
Then grabbed the hammer and gave a few whacks to my skull.
I was tired, and stressed, with no Christmas this year,
Because no way would we get any help around here.
Our entire situation, made me want to scream or yelp,
If only our mortgage company would agree to help.
But all banks and collectors are filled with greed,
Driving their fancy cars down the road like some prized steed.
They didn’t care who lives they got to ruin,
Despite all the law suites, despite all the suing.
I sat down in my chair, felling lost and lonely,
I even picked up cuddled my child’s old little stuffed pony.
I wanted to sit there, grumble and curse, full of spite,
Then with awe, something came to my sight.
It was our tree, filled with lights and ornaments galore,
And it made me slide, down, all the way to the floor.
It reminded me of quite simply of the entire reason,
What Christmas was for, what was the cause for this season.
A Christ child was born and as a perfect gift was given,
It made my mind change direction, with a new direction I was driven.
So I closed my eyes, and down my cheek slid a tear,
As I prayed for those who burdens were more than they could bear.
So despite all my anger, my frustrations and fear,
I went to bed with a light heart, my mind again clear.
I stopped to look at my wife as she slept,
And just knew in my heart His promises would be kept.
Next year would be different, of this I was certain,
As I looked at the moon, through our home maid curtain.
I laid down my aching head, to rest my tired mind,
And new all would be well, it would just take a little time.