The Journey Starts Here

Welcome to my odd sense of humor. Not always for the faint of heart.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Utter Poetry - Can a human head spontaneously explode?

Sometimes, just sometimes, you run across someone on a rant that ends up to be so utterly amazing, it falls into the catagory of poetry.

Case in point.  My Lovely Wife, who happens to be much younger than me.  Because I am a stud muffin.  You can find her original post over at Refusing To Age Gracefully

Take a look around, though the link goes directly to her original post, despite the fact I am copying it here.  She  is a funny woman.  Being with me, she would have to have sense of humor, trust me on this fact.  She will also tell you those pin-up girls aren't her.  While they might not be, she could pull it off.  I just haven't found the right bribe (and that includes large quantities of chocolate) to get her to dress like that.  Won't stop me from trying though.

I won't even bother to go into how I felt about this situation.  Needless to say, it's hard to put seeing red and contemplating explosions and firearms, and torture devices into words.  I will say, that I wasn't totally aware of the entire situation, since not only is my wife much younger, prettier, and funnier than I am, she is also a lot smarter.  She knew I would likely lose control of myself and destroy things.  Like people, small animals, cars, and the invincible Chuck Norris.  Even if I had to Put On A Costume of The Burger King  If you have trouble understanding who Kitty Princess is, because I know you aren't as smart as me, it's our daughter.

So without further comment from the peanut gallery (me), here is a copy of her post.

Can a Human Head Spontaneously Combust?

Okay so there are a few reasons I've been MIA.  One of course is the emotional roller coaster my darling, sweet, precious, oh so blinded by love little girl has had me riding since Christmas Eve.  Since I'm not too sure I can still form coherent thoughts, (lack of good sleep, exhaustion, cleaning for upcoming visit, etc.) I'll just make this easy.

Dec. 23
  • Kitty Princess texts me to tell me the bf proposed.
  • I inquire about a ring to find there isn't one.
  • When will there be one?  Maybe spring.
  • What did he get her?
  • Nothing.
  • Kitty Princess texts me to say "hope you didn't tell anyone, it's not happening"
  • I say ummm WTF?
  • She says she'll explain when she gets home.
  • She gets home and it's "on" again.  Everything is fine.
  • Mama Kitty asks very few questions since head is in danger of imminent explosion.
  • We all go night night.

Dec. 24
  • Christmas Eve!  Yay!
  • Kitty Princess wants to know what time bf should come over.
  • Kitty Princess is working til 7.
  • I tell Kitty Princess not a good idea.  She just saw him and Grumama will be all nervous.
  • Kitty Princess agrees and we have a lovely dinner and gift exchange with grandparents.
  • Come home and Kitty Princess gets on the phone with bf.
  • Boyfriend tells her his best friend's parents are getting him and best friend a job in California at a pharmaceutical company.
  • Mama Kitty is happy.
  • Then Mama Kitty finds out he wants her to go with him.
  • Kitty Princess and bf fight.  A lot.
  • Kitty Princess is crying.
  • Hysterically.
  • Boyfriend is going to break up with her.  Engagement is off.
  • Mama Kitty is happy.  Bad Mama Kitty.
  • Mama Kitty explains that bf is an ass.  Tells Kitty Princess that even God couldn't get a job at a pharmaceutical company since God doesn't have a four year degree.
  • Sometime in the wee hours of the morning (after ruining Christmas Eve) bf decides he still loves her and they don't have to go to California.
  • Mama Kitty is not happy again.
  • We all go night night.

Dec. 25
  • Christmas Day!  Yay!
  • Kitty Princess wants to know when she can see boyfriend.
  • Fight ensues when she's told that paternal grandparents are coming over and then we have to go to their house for dinner.  No time for bf to come over.
  • Kitty Princess pouts.
  • Mama Kitty is happy, not about pouting about no bf on Christmas.
  • Enjoy Christmas, opening gifts from in-laws, go to dinner to have repeat of sad from niece who is told SHE can't go home with her bf because it's snowing like a bitch and she has to work the next day and boyfriend lives a zillion miles away.
  • Decide all females under the age of 25 are systematically insane.
  • Come home and Kitty Princess talks to bf rest of night.
  • Boyfriend gets mad at her over World of Warcraft and another fight ensues.
  • Mama Kitty is tired of the fighting by 1:00 a.m. and leaves the Kitty Princess to go to bed.

Dec. 26
  • Kitty Princess works til 9:30
  • Kitty Princess gets off work and bf asks where she's been since he KNOWS that her employer closes at 6 p.m. on Sundays.
  • Mama Kitty is shellshocked that Kitty Princess didn't go the hell off on bf.
  • Apparently bf's best friend worked for two months at GameStop and knows everything there is to know about their practices including holiday hours, amazing since he never worked a holiday hour in his life.
  • Mama Kitty isn't asking any more freaking questions cuz her head is going to explode.

Dec. 27
  • Kitty Princess has day off.  Spends day on phone with bf playing World of Warcraft.
  • Mama Kitty wanted to make cookies and watch movies.
  • Other stuff happened that made Mama Kitty not happy.
  • Mama Kitty went to bed with monster headache and the very real desire to give the hell up.

Dec. 28
  • Blogging is safe.  Mama Kitty shall return to blogging where she can rant and rave and sound like a lunatic about the horrors of bf and having an intelligent, beautiful daughter who is blinded by the thought that love is possible with a good for nothing, worthless, horrible person who doesn't even buy her a gift for Christmas.
And there you have it.  Is it any wonder I can't put more than two words to paper without feeling like my head is going to explode and checking the house to pinpoint the location of every available pointed or sharpened object I own?  Ladies and gentleman, gather round and pray with me that THIS

never, ever, ever, ever, ever happens.  Please and thank you.
***********End of Post***********

And there you have it.  Poetic, if I do say so myself.  Now I'm off to scan for pin-ups to see if she has something to match it, just to try an convince her to put it on.  No doubt, she will tell me she has a headache.  In this case?  Who could blame her?