The Journey Starts Here

Welcome to my odd sense of humor. Not always for the faint of heart.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Awkward Cell Phone Operations

I read in the news today that the Government is looking into disabling cell phones in moving automobiles.  Read the Article Here.

I was shocked.  I mean why would you want to do that?

For those not in the know, I’m in sales.  I drive.  Then I drive some more, and when I get tired of driving, I drive for dessert.  All to the tune of 50-60K miles a year.  Not that I’m complaining, I’m alone during all this driving and I am, after all, a brilliant conversationalist.  Never mind that talking to yourself is considered a mental disorder.  Don’t judge me.  I have to do SOMETHING to occupy my time.

Since I’m on the road a lot, and I work out of my house, my cell phone is my business line.  I have one of those fancy shmancy iPhones so I can text, take pictures, video, e-mail AND make phone calls.  All at the same time.  Have I actually done all of these at once?  Why yes, yes I have.  I’m in sales people, and as a result, I talk.  A lot.  All at the time actually.  Even in my sleep.  It’s called the art of the deal for a reason.  After all, how can a salesman sell ocean front property to people in Arizona if they don’t talk… a lot.

Although I don’t sell property, I stay pretty busy.  One of the hazards of my job is the number of times I am on the phone.  Often times, due to time constraints, I do this while driving.  After the number of miles I have driven, I have learned a thing or two about talking on a cell phone while driving.  Like hands free.

Now normally, I would continue to talk about me, but for now I think I will concentrate on all you others who talk, text, and whatever on your phone while driving.

Like I said, I’m busy, and often I’m driving from point A to point B as fast as I can.  Nothing pleases me more than getting behind some yahoo who is discussing their current life troubles with their BFF, going 20 miles UNDER the speed limit, and drifting from lane to lane.  Or the people who are so busy checking their e-mail on their phones they don’t bother to look for on coming traffic and just pull on out, confident that their car is so amazing you would be glad to slam on your brakes to avoid destroying such an awe inspiring thing.  Or the youngsters who are so busy texting that they don’t realize that the left hand turn lane light turned green and start driving though a red light because they are NOT IN THAT LANE.

All of these are such wonderful and fun things to experience, I can’t imagine what the Government would be thinking, unless it’s the property damage from wreaks that drive up insurance rates, or even the number of deaths caused by Buffy who was texting her BFF about Scott, who, by the way, is a wicked awesome kisser.

I’ve been saying for several years now that I was going to invent a device that goes in a car that prevents a cell phone from working and get rich, despite the fact the technology already exists.  Side note to the Government, I came up with this idea first, so I will expect royalty payments when you pass this law.  I’ll take cash and gold.  Maybe even silver.

To be blunt, I think this idea rocks.  Even me, who relies so heavily on my cell phone to help me make a living.  This is something we NEED folks.

But yet, there is a problem.  Jamming cell phones is illegal.  Did you know that?  I didn’t, because you can order a cell phone jammer off the internet, or buy one at a gun show (don’t’ ask me what the relationship between guns and cell phone jammers is).  Angry movie goers have been caught using them in movie theaters because apparently, people really DO talk to the movie screen, or like, talk on their cell phones during a movie.  Hey, Buffy has a lot to say about Scott apparently.

Because it’s illegal, the government is looking into a software solution.  Bad idea.  Apple has an APP for that, or will.

But you know what really gets my goat about this whole thing?  Jamming cell phones is illegal, but allowing a TSA agent to sexually grope you is just fine in the Government’s eyes.  Yeah, Yeah, you’re saying “but Kevin, the TSA is trying to keep us safe”.  I say yeah, but humiliating women and children, old people, disabled people and rape survivors is wrong.  Looking at their naked bodies isn’t any better, unless it’s MY body, because I’m a stud and everyone wants to see me naked.  In fact, doctors have prescribed looking at my naked body for those with insomnia, because the sight of me naked makes people hurl violently, scream, then pass out.

So, while the TSA feels you up, without even giving you chocolate or flowers, all in the name of keeping you safe, jamming cell phones to keep you safe is illegal.

Isn’t life awkward?

Let me just check my 1 to 10 awkward meter, ok?

(beep, beep, beep, beepbeepbeep……20)

Yup, pretty awkward!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Black Friday, Possessed Women, and Nightmares

Someone had the nerve, the actual nerve, to ask me if I was going shopping today. I mean, hello? It’s B.L.A.C.K.F.R.I.D.A.Y. Not to mention, I’m a guy. I don’t shop, I buy. My first reaction was forced. I simply said no. What I wanted to do was punch them in the face. With an anvil.

Black Friday. The one day of the year that companies try and convince you to get out of your house at 4 AM and come visit them, hand over your money, because you will have to give them less now than any other day. Are there some great buys out there on Black Friday? Of course. But stock is limited, so you have to fight for it.

Why on earth would I want to put myself in the middle of that? I may be male, but stupid I’m not.

There is one, and only one reason, that I refuse to put myself out there in malls and stores on this day: WOMEN.

When it comes to sales and shopping, no other creature on the planet can compare to a woman trying to get the most out of a dollar. Oh yes, the fairer sex becomes absolute animals on this day. Woe to anyone who gets in their way.

Really. It’s a scary thing. The night before, while trying to digest eating way to much for Thanksgiving, they make their battle plans. They gird themselves for war. With a wicked gleam in their eyes, they paint their nails (the better to make them harder), they pick out the perfect shoes (not just for comfort, but for maximum butt kicking action), they load their purses (with bricks no doubt), and go to bed so they can rest up for the fight.

This is, without doubt, a woman’s day. The day she gets to spend money, and work out all her frustrations on other shoppers. In short, this is the day that sweet, caring, pretty woman in your life turns into a possessed demon.

I’ve been out in the malls on Black Friday before. I’ve experienced it, I’ve seen it. I still have nightmares.

If you go with that sweet, caring, pretty little woman in your life, don’t ask any questions. You will get snarled out, with fangs. Don’t move fast enough? Don’t worry, she will throw you across the mall to where she wants you to be. Complain about getting tried, from all the walking, dodging, running, and scads of items you are carrying? Well, you just might end up with one of those specially picked out shoes up your butt, or your guts ripped out with those nails.

When a woman shops on Black Friday, the name of the game is buy all you can, as fast as you can and nothing is going to hinder that. Even you, the special man in her life.

They will even kick, scratch, and bite other women who tries to grab that last thing on the list that is a must have. Bodies will go flying, hair gets ripped out, and someone will end up laying on the floor groaning.

This, my friends, is not my idea of fun.

So despite the scenery, and by scenery I mean the Christmas decorations, not hot looking women, I stay at home on this day. I think that makes me smart.

But if you are one of those men who braved the world today, I’ll be thinking about you, and positively ignoring your whining on Facebook tonight. Maybe for Christmas, Santa will bring you a first aid kit.

Monday, November 22, 2010

A Brokenhearted Trail

There was a guy with a big heart, who just so happened to like young adult and teenagers and not in some kinky perverted way so get your mind out of the gutter.

He felt for them, because there are so many things that you have to go through as a teenager and a young adult. The big hearted man had been though these things himself, as a teen and as a young adult. Luckily, because this man acted like a kid himself, he was able to relate to these groups of the populace at large.

Since this man with the big heart was a minister, he decided to get involved with youth ministry. For awhile, he was very happy, and he felt like he was actually making a difference in a few lives. It made the man feel self worth, made him happy, made him feel like he had finally found what he was supposed to do in this world. All was well and right with the world for 2 years.

Then a bad thing happened.

It wasn’t an illegal thing, or a horrible thing, just a bad thing. You see, the big hearted man had trouble with the man in charge of the place where the big hearted man did his youth ministry. Things began to unravel and the big hearted man became sad. Very sad. In the end, the big hearted man had to leave this place. The youth who once called him at all hours of the day and night suddenly wouldn’t have anything to do with him and treated him like he was not a big hearted man, but a bad man. This made the big hearted man even sadder.

He had hoped to find another place where he could once again become involved and make a difference. After a few months of searching, he thought he had found this place. So he went there, not with the intent to take over, but just to get involved. Maybe help out. Unfortunately, he met with resistance, and wariness, and rumors. Then, once again, a bad thing happened. This was a different bad thing than before, but in the end, the big hearted man no longer felt welcome, despite the best efforts of the man in charge of the new place, who also happened to have a big heart.

Perhaps the big hearted man should have stayed and tried to work through it, but in the end, he felt he couldn’t, for various personal reasons. Once again, the big hearted man was sad.

The big hearted man began to feel lost. The trail he had been traveling became rocky, and had steep hills to climb and he became tired and simply lost his way in the wilderness.

Well, the big hearted man didn’t like feeling this way. So, he decided to try and explore other avenues, to try and reach out, to try and make a difference, once again.

He tried and tried several ideas. The problem was, everywhere he went, he met with resistance and ridicule. The resistance wasn’t so bad, but the ridicule was. That was hard for the big hearted man to take. So now, the big hearted man has stepped back, not knowing what else to do, feeling sad, lost and awkward. Maybe one day, something will happen, some door will open, and the big hearted man can once again find it in himself to try and make a difference. Maybe.

But, the big hearted man learned a valuable lesson. There are many ways to have your heart broken, and all of them hurt just as bad.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

A Boy's Dreams and Awkward Realizations

So I realized today that one of my child hood dreams stuck with me.  I thought I would share with you, as long as you don’t laugh.  Ok, ok, if you laugh, what do I care? It’s not like I will ever know.  So laugh it up, on me.

When I was little, I wanted to be a pirate.

It’s a phase every little boy goes through, along with wanting to be an astronaut, a fireman, and G.I. Joe.  With the King Fu Grip even.  But alas, every little boy’s dreams change fast.  They change their minds quicker than their mother’s could get them to change their underwear.  They change due to circumstances, usually, growing up.  Which is a bore, and frankly, quite unfair.  Real life sets in, and that little boy who wanted to be G.I Joe one minute, or a pirate the next, ends up being…. An accountant or something (shudders).   But I think we end up doing it to ourselves, by not chasing those dreams.  So let me just say the following here.

I should have made becoming a pirate a life goal.

Being a pirate has a lot of advantages after all.  Especially if you are a pirate captain.  You get to be swash-buckling, whatever that means. You get to order other pirates around, steal what you want, drink all the time, cause a lot of mayhem, and generally just have a blast.  How can the appeal of that not draw you?

So yeah.  I should be a pirate.  Really.

Let’s look at my qualifications shall we?

I’m older, with plenty of gray hair.  That lends me some distinction and makes me look like I have plenty of experience in life.  I’m overweight, making it look like I’m quite a successful pirate, because hey, if I wasn’t, I would be starving.  The crew wouldn’t have to worry about losing me, since being overweight, I tend to float instead of sinking.  I can bark out orders like a drill sergeant,  just ask my wife and daughter.  Of course, I don’t have a brig to back up my threats so they tend to just ignore me, but that’s beside the point.  I love the sea, and I don’t get seasick.  And let’s face it, a seasick pirate captain would just be mocked by the other pirates.  They would never take him seriously.  I like to inspire people to do their best, even if I have to threaten them to do it.  Pirates need that sort of thing, obviously.  Pirates are usually out for themselves, so a good pirate captain would have to “inspire” loyalty.  Here is where knowing how to use a sword comes in handy.  Ok, maybe I can’t use a sword, but they also have guns, and I am a fair shot.  I like see beautiful young girls like any other man, but hey, being old and overweight, the only way I could get them near me is by stealing them.  That’s a good pirate trait as well.  Stealing young pretty girls.  The crew appreciates that kind of thing.  Last, but not least, I tend to not like authority.  This is a big must in the whole being a pirate thing you know.

So all in all, I think I have what it takes, except the most important part.  A ship.

To be a pirate captain, you MUST have a ship.  Obviously, I would need to steal one.  With sails.  You don’t see them much anymore though.  Sad, really.

Now that I think about it, it would be pretty hard to be a swash-buckling pirate in today’s world.  Trying to chase down modern ships wouldn’t be too easy when all you have is wind to propel you.  I don’t think you could compete with diesel engines.  Then there is the modern military to consider.  They have subs.  With these things called torpedoes and let’s face facts here, a torpedo would end my new career pretty darn quick.

So maybe the fact that my dream didn’t come true is a good thing after all.  All of this leaves me with just one choice, all because of modern technology.  If I want to be a pirate in today’s world, I would have to run for Congress.

The thought of that just kinda puts me off the whole idea.

So I think I will go back to my regular job tomorrow, since it’s Monday and all, and do my thing and leave my boyhood dreams in my little noggin.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Mental Illness in Droves – How Crazy Awkward

So I think I spoke out of turn the other day. Yeah, I’m admitting to maybe, just maybe, making a mistake.

Make sure you write this down in your calendar yo.

It all started with one of those conversations with a family member. One who I often accuse of making bald statements with no facts. Like, teenagers don’t get their nose pierced. Or the one about how very few teenagers dress “emo”, which seemed to be the fad a couple of years ago.

If you are like me, you are now having a reaction similar to the one I had when those statements were made……. HUH?

Anyway, I was told something along the lines of I heard in the news that one in five Americans had a mental illness. I pshawed. I shook my head. I denounced this news report strenuously. Why? Well it’s sorta like that Cialis commercial. You know, the one where a couple who are about or close to middle-age are working in the yard and suddenly turn to each other, the woman touching the man’s face, a magical tent pops up in the yard, and it’s made obvious they are about to get it on.

We all know nothing like that is real. After all, any woman worth her salt that can get her man to do yard work is NOT going to stop to have a little “play time”. No, with her honey do list steadily getting longer, she is gonna crack that whip and make sure her man gets his chores done. That is all about marketing pills to the masses and making men think that hey, if you take this daily pill, you get to have lots of sex!

Anyways, I digress.

I later read the article that explained this wild statement about one in five Americans having a mental illness (read it here: Crazy Is As Crazy Does ) and well….. maybe I understand a little better why they say that.

Basically, if you are lazy and don’t want to read the article, the mental illness they are mostly referring to is depression. Why? Due to the economy, lack of jobs, and people losing their houses left and right. For the most part.

They just may have a point.

But you know me, I’m an equal opportunity blame layer so they way I see it, it just doesn’t stop there. Oh no, there is plenty of reasons for people to be depressed now days. I mean, have you bothered to open your eyes and look around? Or, like me, do you prefer to keep your eyes closed like you’re about to mistakenly see your fat uncle Bert moon you? Can’t say I blame you there. Who wants to see that?

No, there is plenty to be depressed about. So, being the swavy computer user I am, I trolled the interwebs for proof. Yeah I know, I’m good that way and don’t you forget it.

I will pause now so you can bow to my awesomeness.

Now back to our regularly scheduled post.

How can you not be depressed when you learn things like the people who work for our Government make more money in one year than what I will make in five? Of course, they need to make that much, because they work for….. the Government. After all, it takes a lot of work to be a Government thief, like how our Congress workers are legally allowed to do the wholly illegal thing called insider trading. You know what that is right? It’s when you find out a stock you own is about to tank, because the company accidently created Zombie Cows and are secretly slipping in Zombie Cow meat with Regular Cow Meat, so you sell your stock so you don’t lose your milk. Or how about the fact that in 2005, about 7,200 Government workers made over $ 150,000 and five years later (yes, as in this year), this number has increased to over 82,000 Government workers. Rich Government People

How can you not be depressed when honest, hard working superheroes get arrested… just because? I mean how sad is that? How could you arrest Spiderman? Or my wife’s favorite (but only when it’s Hugh Jackman because apparently, she thinks he is hot hot HOT) Wolverine? Well, it was happening in Hollywood. Just not the actors. No, the people who were dressing up for tips, because hey, they can’t get a Government job and need to make money somehow. Superheroes To The Rescue I guess it’s a good thing that a Judge decided dressing up as a superhero is covered by the 1st Amendment.

How can you not be depressed when you learn that one in four believe marriage is becoming obsolete? What happened to the sanctity of marriage? Oh, that’s right, Social Networking sites came along and allow people to hook up with old flames, destroying their marriage. This one requires some more thought though. Why would so many thing this? Is it because we, as men, can’t put the toilet seat down? Or is because wives don’t know how to cook anymore? Or is it because men just wanna have fun, like blondes, and decided to peruse that dream? Or maybe it’s because women got tired of us men farting in the bed and covering up their wives heads with the covers. Of course, it could be that women got tired of us men ogling supermodels, who are so skinny they look like boys, and no real woman could complete with looking like a skinny boy. Who knows where the truth is? Goodbye Marriage

Maybe it all boils down to the realization that we, as adults, have lost our minds along with our jobs and our houses. Like the woman who lets her 14 year old dress up as like a hooker, get numerous body piercings and tattoos and lets her feely have her boyfriends stay over so she can have sex. How slutty, I mean crazy is that? Crazy 14 Year Old

Regardless of the reasons, I think maybe there are a large number of people with a mental illness walking around. So, I must apologize to my family member, as much as it pains me. In retrospect, I think we have all gone a bit off the rocker.

With all this stuff going on around us, like a flock of mad birds, we are now surrounded with crazy people who suffer from mental illness and should be medicted heavily.

I think life just got a bit more awkward.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Pastor Preaches…. On Facebooking

Well, I wish I could say that I didn’t see this one coming, but heh, I’m practically psychic, so it just so happens that I did.

It seems a well meaning Pastor in New Jersey is tired of counseling troubled marriages that all began over Facebook. You know, that wonderful Social Networking site that everyone and their brother (including me) has an account on.

I feel like I want to agree with him.

I signed up on Facebook to try and reconnect with people I was once friends with in High School. Maybe share some memories, get together for a cup of coffee, something like that. I took the plunge and started searching. I found a lot of people I went to school with. I added them, and then added people I didn’t know. Why? Well, that was because of the evil genius behind some of those programmers who make those addictive little games.

So I talked to some old friends, played some games and then? Promptly got bored with the whole thing. In some cases, I learned a little more than I wanted about people. I leaned that for the most part, most of the people I had “friended” could care less about what I posted. All they cared about was their own posts, thinking they were worthy of great attention and awe.

I find it funny that Facebook was originally created to be a tool (ahem) for college students to “connect” with each other. Oh yeah, you know what kind of connecting I’m talking about. Oh sure, I read the stories, that such and such had a much easier time going away to college after getting to know their future dorm mate on Facebook. But honestly? Most of what was being posted was where the party was and what ridiculous things these kids did when they were out of their minds with drink or drugs. Although, I must admit some of the drunk posts and pictures make me smile.

But then the adult crowd wanted to join in and as usual, acted just as bad as the college crowd. Makes me wonder if we ever grow up?

Yeah, I think Facebook has lead to marital problems. And Friendship problems, and a host of other problems. You only have to read the news on how so and so lost their job because of what they took pictures of last weekend when they had to much to drink. Or lost their job because they posted something dumb about their company or boss, somehow forgetting that their coworkers and bosses were on their friends list.

But mostly? I think the Pastor, though well meaning, isn’t looking at the bigger picture. If people are gonna cheat on their spouse, they don’t need Facebook to do it. People have been cheating on their spouses since before computers became a household item. Did it make it easier? Probably.

To me, the bigger issue is the fact that we are allowing ourselves to become ensnared by the internet, distancing ourselves from the real world. You know, that pesky little thing where you have a job to go to and get paid for, a spouse to take care of, possibly kids to take care, a house to take care of, a car to take care of, you know… life. As we used to know it. Instead of living in real life, so many people get on line and ignore reality. Like they were a rock start or something. What we have here is an on-line idiopathic conundrum (which hey, would make an excellent name for a band). Sorry people, but I’ve seen it, a lot. People get on-line and begin to become engrossed with stuff that does nothing but distort reality. Like Porn. Yeah, Yeah, I know, the internet is for porn (and for those of you who don’t get the reference, it’s a song), but there is a lot more useful stuff on there.

A few examples:

Funny pictures
Recipes for the cooking challenged
Music videos
Artsy pictures
Many, many how to instructions
Pictures of animals, like cows
Shopping! (for you women out there)
Shopping! (for you electronic nerds out there)
And much, much more!

But no, instead people seem to want to use it for either porn, or trying to hook up with old flames, or find new ones. Sure, you could do it the old fashioned way, like renting porn, or finding someone in a bar or even the grocery store (not that I condone any of it mind you). But I guess when new tools are made available, someone is gonna find a way to use it in the most destructive way.

I guess, as people, we are just weird that way.

So, for what it’s worth, cudos to the New Jersey Pastor. Whip those cheating hearts into shape and make them get rid of those Facebooks. But my advice? Make them turn off their computers as well.

So, not so funny today, but hey, that’s how it is some days.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A Twittering I will Go

I'm being lazy today. So instead of writing, I started a new Twitter account. Look for me at Doc_Kev_1966.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Cupcake Kids and the coming apocalypse

The videos I posted earlier were just for fun. But now I have to address something more pressing and urgent.

It seems that two 13 year old boys in New York decided to get an early start on their future. I give them an A for effort as you can never start too soon on planning for your future right? These two young dudes, along with a couple of friends, had a dream. Their dream? Delicious yummy cupcakes with bomb frosting. They could see their future with every cupcake paper they filled. They could see, just over the horizon, a future where they would have their own little restaurant, delivering delicious cupcakes to the masses.

I’m talking about Andrew DeMarchis and Kevin Graff, two 13-year-olds from Chappaqua's Seven Bridges Middle School in New York. Trouble was, they needed funding. Cake batter costs money you know? One, or both of them, had a brilliant idea. They would make cupcakes NOW, along with cookies, rice crispy treats, and the ever popular brownie. They would then go the local park and set up a table, sell their wares, with the intention of saving their proceeds for their future restaurant.

But enter Town Council Member, Mr. Michael Wolfensohn who, upon coming across this little venture, decided to call the cops because they were operating without a license.

You might be saying awww, poor kids. You might think it unfair. I won’t debate that, instead all I will say is that according the town law, if it isn’t for a charitable cause, you gotta have a license to sell food in the park. The cops showed up and shut them down, and much brouhaha ensued.

Well, let me act like Kayne, snatch the mike for a minute, and tell these kids something important.

You paying attention?

Welcome to corporate America.

You see guys, Corporate America is all about making money, just like you want to do. Everyone has to get their part of the cupcake, from the local Councilman, to the local Government. You have to pay to play.

I wanted to give you a quick lesson on what could happen should you try and realize your dream. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s a worthy dream, full of cupcake joy and splendor, but there are some things you need to know.

To make it in Corporate America, you must first apply for a business license. You know, so you can pay your taxes so your town Council members can buy BMW’s, yachts, wives a third their age, you know, that sort of thing. It’s easy to do, just go down and fill out the paperwork at the County Office.

Once you do that, you have to get your tax ID. Because you know, you have to tax the people who want to enjoy your cuppiecakes with bombastic frostings.

Now you’re ready to open your business. But wait. You can’t just do this in your kitchen, because the local health inspector is gonna nix that because your mom is probably storing meat over raw veggies that you refuse to eat in the fridge. So pretty much count on getting a place to operate your business out of.

Which brings me to the next point. How you gonna make those delicious little cakes and brownies? You need equipment. A stove, a mixer, a sink, that sorta thing. Of course being a restaurant, this means you are going to need to buy resturaunt quality equipment for about six million dollars. Like, you know, the six million dollar man, who you wouldn't know since he was around before you were born. Today, due to Government oversight, he would be the 200 Billion Dollar Man, but that doesn't roll off the tongue as nicely does it. That, coupled with the rent you are going to pay for your place, well, that is going to seriously eat into your profits.

But don’t worry, you can buy your ingredients in bulk, to help reduce your costs. What you will probably want to do is buy from China because everything is cheap there. Of course, ingredients from China might include Melamine, like you might have noticed other items mentioned in the news, or maybe some other weird stuff. In which case, your customers are going to die and turn into Zombies.

Now you face a problem. Everyone in your town will be Zombies, and hey, unless you are offering sweetbreads, you won’t have any customers. So you will need to expand your business. You will have to open other stores, in other cities, to get new customers. You will need to get more loans to open new stores, but because big banks are apparently the root of all evil, you will have to pay 90% interest which will further eat into your profits. All of this, by the way, will lead to more Zombies.

At this point, the Government is going to take notice. To take care of the small business man, like the Government is very concerned about because it’s the backbone of our country, they will hire someone to take care of the Zombies.

No doubt, because it somehow makes sense to outsource things to other countries, like call centers, they will hire Ninjas from Japan. They will fly in and start killing Zombies, which were created from tainted ingredients, but will notice your cupcakes and will no doubt get hungry. They, in turn, will eat your cupcakes, which mean now you have Zombie Ninjas running around.

This is going to mean serious trouble. Regular Zombies are one thing, but Ninja Zombies? That is nothing but a disaster of the highest sort. You can call the Japanese Ninja Supplier to get help, but hey, their call center is in India and well... good luck getting your point across or understanding what they are telling you.

All of this will mean that your local biker gangs will get mad, because they can’t get to their biker bars to consume massive amounts of beer and ogle the biker babes. It will also upset the Rednecks, because the Zombies will prevent them from hunting and fishing, and when they run over the Zombies, leave nasty Zombie pieces in their jacked up 4-wheel drives, So they will get angry and go after the Zombies and Ninja Zombies.

War in the streets is what I’m saying. This will cause massive panic, with people running around, burning hospitals, police stations and ironically, the fire stations. They will loot and pillage, drink all the booze, eat all the food, including your cupcakes, which means you won’t be making ANY money.

The trouble is, you can’t turn to the military for help, because they are busy elsewhere. So what to do, what to do?

Don’t ask me, I have no idea. That’s why I don’t own a restaurant. However, all this bad stuff will happen, just because you decided to sell a few treats in the park without a license. That is why that Councilman had to shut you down.

You understand, right? Ok good. Now go look at comic books like other 13 year old boys and worry about your future later.

The TSA Follies

Usually, with awkward situations, you find funny people using it to make us laugh and sometimes, even a point.

Not sure what applies here, but I wanted to share.  Enjoy!

And finally.... sorry about the bad language yo.

Thanksgiving, Randomness and the Ridiculous

There are plenty of things in the news that I could be writing about, funny things that made me spew coffee out of my nose when reading like the total nerd, I mean elegant person, I am, but instead I wanted to go off topic.

Don’t worry; I will do that a lot.

Everyone seems to be on this whole “things to be thankful for because, hey, thanksgiving is coming up” and I am nothing if not mainstream.  So I decided to jump on the bandwagon.  In my own way of course.

So this is the month of Thanksgiving.  When Americans celebrate being thankful for Indians, corn, puritans, boats with sails, and for some odd reason, pumpkins.  Don’t ask me, I just live here and I don’t make the rules.  But a rule it is.  Every year during this month, we “terminate” hoards of turkeys with a vengeance (hey they are yummy after all) and gather together to sit down and choke down foods that family members have made.  Even when we don’t like those foods.  This is, in fact, why we brought domesticated dogs into this country - so we could feed these offending food stuffs to them during thanksgiving dinner.  I have it on very good authority that Captain John Smith, the enterprising young British Captain offered his mother’s dry, nasty cornbread stuffing to his dog on the first thanksgiving under the watchful eye of Pocahontas, who didn’t quite approve, which is why she didn’t marry him after saving his life.  There are rumors that upon eating said cornbread stuffing, the Captain’s Best Friend promptly went out and drowned himself in the river.  But that is just a rumor.

Never the less, during this time of year, we sit down with our family, even the smelly and weird Uncle Bob who still tries to get you to pull his finger and fart despite the fact you are over the age of 40.  Like we didn’t learn our lesson on that one the first time.  We sit together, we eat, we share stories of old, make fun of each other, occasionally fight, and end up passed out from eating too much.

For all of which, for some odd reason, we are supposed to be thankful for.


But as it stands, there are a number of things I have to be thankful for.  I’m sure you are shocked that such an awesome guy as me doesn’t have a multitude of things to be thankful for, but hey, I live in this world the same as you.  It’s a hit and miss thing at best.

Things I am thankful for?

I’m thankful for my daughter, who just turned 18 and is now legally an adult.  I’m not thankful that my little girl is all grown up.  But that’s what kids do.  Grow up.  I’m thankful that she has a sense of humor, can be extremely sweet when she wants something, I mean when she wants to be, is much more intelligent than I am, and if she stops paying attention to me, can make something of her life.  You know, have a future and all.  And what parent wouldn’t be thankful for that?  I’m also thankful that she didn’t get my looks and is extremely beautiful.  That’s her, smart AND beautiful.

I’m thankful for my wife of 21 years.  Even if she has more piercings than you can shake a stick at.  And tattoos.  I’m thankful for those as well, because I think they look awesome on her.  I’m not going to be thankful if we ever fly somewhere, because taking her through the airport is going to be an exercise.  Really.  She has more metal in her body than a whole car.  A big one even.  But hey, we will cross that bridge if we ever come to it.  I’m thankful for the fact we are still together, despite all the trials and tribulations we have faced.  Although what we have faced in the past 5 years is not as bad as some, what we have faced is enough to drive plenty of people off their rocker.  Despite it all, we still live together, still hold hands, still sleep in the same bed and occasionally, when there are witnesses around, she lets me hug her.  The witnesses are to make sure I don’t get “fresh” but hey I guess I can’t blame her there.   I’ can’t help myself, she is a very beautiful woman.

I’m thankful for what few real friends I have, which let me tell you, is few.  Not because I don’t want them, but because we live in a time where everyone can be so selfish and doesn’t remember what it means to be a friend.  The ones I have are wonderful, understanding, and listen to me when I rant and don’t tell me I’m being stupid.

There are other things I’m thankful for, like the TSA, but I think I will stop here.  It’s not a long list, but these are the highlights.  My daughter, my wife, and my real friends.

Makes me all warm and tingly inside just thinking about it, and that my readers, is no joke.

The awkward part of it all though is that I don’t think they are all that thankful for me, but that is understandable.  I’m a dad, a husband, and a man.  I’m not always available and can be demanding, ignorant and stubborn.  But then again, this isn’t about them is it?

Nope.  This one is about me.

So Happy Thanksgiving all.  Enjoy your family and friends, and for heaven’s sake, watch out for the cornbread stuffing and don’t blame the dog if he decides to hide under the bed.  He’s a dog, not stupid.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The TSA, Pat Down’s and Naked Body Scanner’s – A pervert’s Dream Come True!

So suddenly, I am seeing all types of news reports on disgruntled passengers complaining about the new TSA Security Measures.  That being, the new body scanner and the “opt-out” pat down.  As the stories go, people are complaining that the new scanners are pornographic, radiate you to the point of an increased risk of cancer, or practically (maybe literally) being molested by the opt-out pat down.

Come on people!  Where is your sense of fun, your sense of adventure, your inner pervert?  I, being the stud that I am, feel totally at ease with either method.  After all, I am 44, fairly ugly, and overweight.  I, like a majority of people who are in the same percentile of Americans being overweight and hitting my middle age years, should thank the TSA.

Where else could someone like me get the opportunity to have my naked body admired, and I assure you, anyone who sees it has to feel admiration.  After all, it took many years of hard word to get my body to be this round and have this many wrinkles.  Hard word should pay off right?  Well here is the opportunity for that to happen.

What? You say you really don’t want to be radiated to the point where you glow in the dark?  Point taken.

Well, your other choice is the pat-down.  Where they thoroughly frisk you, including grabbing your genitals, and if you’re a woman, having your breasts squeezed and twisted.  Well let me just say that this makes me want to run out and buy a plane ticket right now.  The destination doesn’t matter.  All I care about is getting felt up.  It’s been years since I’ve experiences a total stranger who was willing to go to second base with me.  Total excitement!  It brings back memories of my school years I tell ya!

 The person giving the pat down will be the same sex as you, and if you are heterosexual, you might object.  Well, use your imagination my friends.  Imagine those same sex hands as being the hottie of your choice.  In my case, that would be Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba, any Victoria’s Secret model, several other females who I find attractive, or even just a breathing woman.

If you are an out in the open pervert, or even a closet pervert (and you know you fall into one of those two categories) then this should be your dream come true.  And the best part about it?  It’s actually legal!

Think about it, you get to imagine the hottie of your choice feeling you up.  The whole thing brings a tear of joy to my eye.  If I ever get to experience this, I tell you now I plan on submitting eagerly, to the point of saying yes mistress, I am eager for you to touch me.  I plan on smiling and groaning, asking the person to slow down, and sighing with pleasure when it’s done.

Then, with a knowing smile, I will turn to the person, ask if it was as good for them as it was for me, then tell them sorry, it was a onetime thing and by the way, no I won’t give you my phone number.  Then I will simply gather my things, saunter off like I’m the king of the world, and look forward to the next time.

And who says that good things can’t come from awkward situations?