Friday, November 26, 2010
Black Friday, Possessed Women, and Nightmares
Someone had the nerve, the actual nerve, to ask me if I was going shopping today. I mean, hello? It’s B.L.A.C.K.F.R.I.D.A.Y. Not to mention, I’m a guy. I don’t shop, I buy. My first reaction was forced. I simply said no. What I wanted to do was punch them in the face. With an anvil.
Black Friday. The one day of the year that companies try and convince you to get out of your house at 4 AM and come visit them, hand over your money, because you will have to give them less now than any other day. Are there some great buys out there on Black Friday? Of course. But stock is limited, so you have to fight for it.
Why on earth would I want to put myself in the middle of that? I may be male, but stupid I’m not.
There is one, and only one reason, that I refuse to put myself out there in malls and stores on this day: WOMEN.
When it comes to sales and shopping, no other creature on the planet can compare to a woman trying to get the most out of a dollar. Oh yes, the fairer sex becomes absolute animals on this day. Woe to anyone who gets in their way.
Really. It’s a scary thing. The night before, while trying to digest eating way to much for Thanksgiving, they make their battle plans. They gird themselves for war. With a wicked gleam in their eyes, they paint their nails (the better to make them harder), they pick out the perfect shoes (not just for comfort, but for maximum butt kicking action), they load their purses (with bricks no doubt), and go to bed so they can rest up for the fight.
This is, without doubt, a woman’s day. The day she gets to spend money, and work out all her frustrations on other shoppers. In short, this is the day that sweet, caring, pretty woman in your life turns into a possessed demon.
I’ve been out in the malls on Black Friday before. I’ve experienced it, I’ve seen it. I still have nightmares.
If you go with that sweet, caring, pretty little woman in your life, don’t ask any questions. You will get snarled out, with fangs. Don’t move fast enough? Don’t worry, she will throw you across the mall to where she wants you to be. Complain about getting tried, from all the walking, dodging, running, and scads of items you are carrying? Well, you just might end up with one of those specially picked out shoes up your butt, or your guts ripped out with those nails.
When a woman shops on Black Friday, the name of the game is buy all you can, as fast as you can and nothing is going to hinder that. Even you, the special man in her life.
They will even kick, scratch, and bite other women who tries to grab that last thing on the list that is a must have. Bodies will go flying, hair gets ripped out, and someone will end up laying on the floor groaning.
This, my friends, is not my idea of fun.
So despite the scenery, and by scenery I mean the Christmas decorations, not hot looking women, I stay at home on this day. I think that makes me smart.
But if you are one of those men who braved the world today, I’ll be thinking about you, and positively ignoring your whining on Facebook tonight. Maybe for Christmas, Santa will bring you a first aid kit.