Monday, November 15, 2010
Cupcake Kids and the coming apocalypse
The videos I posted earlier were just for fun. But now I have to address something more pressing and urgent.
It seems that two 13 year old boys in New York decided to get an early start on their future. I give them an A for effort as you can never start too soon on planning for your future right? These two young dudes, along with a couple of friends, had a dream. Their dream? Delicious yummy cupcakes with bomb frosting. They could see their future with every cupcake paper they filled. They could see, just over the horizon, a future where they would have their own little restaurant, delivering delicious cupcakes to the masses.
I’m talking about Andrew DeMarchis and Kevin Graff, two 13-year-olds from Chappaqua's Seven Bridges Middle School in New York. Trouble was, they needed funding. Cake batter costs money you know? One, or both of them, had a brilliant idea. They would make cupcakes NOW, along with cookies, rice crispy treats, and the ever popular brownie. They would then go the local park and set up a table, sell their wares, with the intention of saving their proceeds for their future restaurant.
But enter Town Council Member, Mr. Michael Wolfensohn who, upon coming across this little venture, decided to call the cops because they were operating without a license.
You might be saying awww, poor kids. You might think it unfair. I won’t debate that, instead all I will say is that according the town law, if it isn’t for a charitable cause, you gotta have a license to sell food in the park. The cops showed up and shut them down, and much brouhaha ensued.
Well, let me act like Kayne, snatch the mike for a minute, and tell these kids something important.
You paying attention?
Welcome to corporate America.
You see guys, Corporate America is all about making money, just like you want to do. Everyone has to get their part of the cupcake, from the local Councilman, to the local Government. You have to pay to play.
I wanted to give you a quick lesson on what could happen should you try and realize your dream. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s a worthy dream, full of cupcake joy and splendor, but there are some things you need to know.
To make it in Corporate America, you must first apply for a business license. You know, so you can pay your taxes so your town Council members can buy BMW’s, yachts, wives a third their age, you know, that sort of thing. It’s easy to do, just go down and fill out the paperwork at the County Office.
Once you do that, you have to get your tax ID. Because you know, you have to tax the people who want to enjoy your cuppiecakes with bombastic frostings.
Now you’re ready to open your business. But wait. You can’t just do this in your kitchen, because the local health inspector is gonna nix that because your mom is probably storing meat over raw veggies that you refuse to eat in the fridge. So pretty much count on getting a place to operate your business out of.
Which brings me to the next point. How you gonna make those delicious little cakes and brownies? You need equipment. A stove, a mixer, a sink, that sorta thing. Of course being a restaurant, this means you are going to need to buy resturaunt quality equipment for about six million dollars. Like, you know, the six million dollar man, who you wouldn't know since he was around before you were born. Today, due to Government oversight, he would be the 200 Billion Dollar Man, but that doesn't roll off the tongue as nicely does it. That, coupled with the rent you are going to pay for your place, well, that is going to seriously eat into your profits.
But don’t worry, you can buy your ingredients in bulk, to help reduce your costs. What you will probably want to do is buy from China because everything is cheap there. Of course, ingredients from China might include Melamine, like you might have noticed other items mentioned in the news, or maybe some other weird stuff. In which case, your customers are going to die and turn into Zombies.
Now you face a problem. Everyone in your town will be Zombies, and hey, unless you are offering sweetbreads, you won’t have any customers. So you will need to expand your business. You will have to open other stores, in other cities, to get new customers. You will need to get more loans to open new stores, but because big banks are apparently the root of all evil, you will have to pay 90% interest which will further eat into your profits. All of this, by the way, will lead to more Zombies.
At this point, the Government is going to take notice. To take care of the small business man, like the Government is very concerned about because it’s the backbone of our country, they will hire someone to take care of the Zombies.
No doubt, because it somehow makes sense to outsource things to other countries, like call centers, they will hire Ninjas from Japan. They will fly in and start killing Zombies, which were created from tainted ingredients, but will notice your cupcakes and will no doubt get hungry. They, in turn, will eat your cupcakes, which mean now you have Zombie Ninjas running around.
This is going to mean serious trouble. Regular Zombies are one thing, but Ninja Zombies? That is nothing but a disaster of the highest sort. You can call the Japanese Ninja Supplier to get help, but hey, their call center is in India and well... good luck getting your point across or understanding what they are telling you.
All of this will mean that your local biker gangs will get mad, because they can’t get to their biker bars to consume massive amounts of beer and ogle the biker babes. It will also upset the Rednecks, because the Zombies will prevent them from hunting and fishing, and when they run over the Zombies, leave nasty Zombie pieces in their jacked up 4-wheel drives, So they will get angry and go after the Zombies and Ninja Zombies.
War in the streets is what I’m saying. This will cause massive panic, with people running around, burning hospitals, police stations and ironically, the fire stations. They will loot and pillage, drink all the booze, eat all the food, including your cupcakes, which means you won’t be making ANY money.
The trouble is, you can’t turn to the military for help, because they are busy elsewhere. So what to do, what to do?
Don’t ask me, I have no idea. That’s why I don’t own a restaurant. However, all this bad stuff will happen, just because you decided to sell a few treats in the park without a license. That is why that Councilman had to shut you down.
You understand, right? Ok good. Now go look at comic books like other 13 year old boys and worry about your future later.