Let Sleeping Wives Lie and the Wonders of Marriage

Men often complain about their wives.  Especially if you have been married as long as I have.  It’s kinda a tradition, a rite of passage, proving that hey, we actually survived living with a member of the opposite sex for a long time, and haven’t killed anyone.  To prove my point, I only need to remind you of the vast amount of material used by famous comedians about marriage.

But me?  I guess I don’t really have a lot to complain about.  Call me lucky, or blessed, or just tolerant.  Whichever you think applies, since I’m not saying nothing.  The woman knows where I sleep and is fond of sharp objects.

But every once in a while, there are some things that I guess I could complain about if I really wanted to.  If I really felt the need to, you know, climb on my soapbox and all.

Despite the trouble I am going to get into for this, I decided to share a few things, and prove I’m a prime example of “The Best Husband Ever”.

My wife has a sleep disorder.  It’s called Idiopathic Hypersomnia, which if you knew what that was, you would understand hyper has no place in this disorder.  Think Narcolepsy, but without the hallucinations and muscle tremors.  For those who might not know what Narcolepsy is, it’s a disease that liquefies the brain and makes it leak out your ears.  Oh wait, that’s not right.  It’s a disease that makes you sleep.  A lot.  Like a hibernating bear.  Who gets cranky when woken up and eats your face.

I don’t mind the fact she has the disease.  She can’t help that.  But it has caused some interesting side effects in our marriage.  Like I said, she sleeps.  A lot.  She talks in her sleep, and by talking, I mean telling a complete tale, with demonstrations, when in fact the tale is actually a dream.  She once tried to convince me that her hairdresser had fixed our squeaking bed by tying down the mattress.  Then she got mad at me when I told her she was dreaming and to go back to sleep.  How’s that for gratitude?  Then, of course, is the fact that although she comes partially awake to tell you tall tales, if you actually try and wake her up, you quickly discover you are not Jesus, who did, in fact, raise the dead.  She once slept through our house alarm going off, while I ran around the house in my underwear trying to discover where the break in was, and found out that in the dark, an upside down mop looks like a skinny guy with long hair and is impervious to a butcher knife.  But that is another story.

Being sick with this disease also affects her capacity to focus.  Many a time have I talked to her on the phone when out and have been told she is cleaning.  Then discovered when I got home what she meant by cleaning was totally pulling everything in a room into the center and stare at it.  Like a stoner at a laser concert.  No, focusing doesn’t always come easy.  She will get up, go into the kitchen, and then ask in wonder what did I come in here for.  Of course, we all do that from time to time.  But not like every 5 minutes.  Ok, that is an exaggeration.  It only happens every 10 minutes or so.

You know how when someone yawns, it makes you yawn?  Well, since my wife is always sleepy, she yawns every 2 seconds.  Which, of course, makes me yawn when we are in the same room together.  Yawning can be a good thing, but only in moderation.  Trust me.

On another front, my wife can also get pretty obsessed about things.  We all do that, but my wife can really take things to the extreme.  One year, when our daughter was about to enjoy her very first Christmas, she decided a tree in the wee one’s room was a MUST HAVE.  But not just any tree, one of those skinny ones.  Of course, that was the year they were all the rage and you couldn’t find one anywhere.  Even using a psychic.  Somehow, she found one and got it for our daughter.  I believe there was voodoo, beheaded chickens, and alcohol involved.  But she pulled it off and decorated it.  But this was after days of constant phone calls and running around town.  It was exhausting work.  Not for her, for me.  When someone works that hard, it makes ME tired.

I guess though, upon massive reflection and consulting the magic 8 ball, if this is all I have to complain about as a husband, I have it pretty good.  And the truth of the matter is, I’m not really complaining.  Only laughing, not AT her, but WITH her.  Yup, I think I have it pretty good.  After all, since she sleeps so much, I don’t see her as much as other husbands see their wives.  The only time I don’t have it so good is when I try to wake her up.  Did I mention a hibernating bear and eating your face off?

Care to share some funny stories yourself?  Please feel free!

Until next time….