Showing some love at Christmas Time with 12 Special Days

During Christmas, it’s typical for those in love to try and give a gift that shows the other the depth of their love.  That’s because nothing shows love like material possessions, especially for women.  Gold jewelry, chocolates, diamonds, heck even cars as gifts and you won’t go wrong.  Gold digger much?  Anywho, let’s not debate the differences between men and women at this time.  The post would be VERY long and I don’t have any alcohol.

Instead, I wanted to just touch on a song, a famous holiday song that addresses giving gifts to your one true love.  That song would be The Twelve Days of Christmas.

I don’t know who wrote the song, and I’m far too lazy to look it up, so when I list the lyrics here just know they aren’t mine, etc. etc.  To my knowledge, I don’t need permission to post them.

Let’s look at the lyrics of this lovely holiday classic.  

On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:
A partridge in a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:
Two turtle doves and
A partridge in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:
Three french hens
Two turtle doves and
A partridge in a pear tree.

On the forth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves and
A partridge in a pear tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves and
A partridge in a pear tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves and
A partridge in a pear tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves and
A partridge in a pear tree.

On the eight day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves and
A partridge in a pear tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Nine ladies dancing
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves and
A partridge in a pear tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Ten lords a-leaping
Nine ladies dancing
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves and
A partridge in a pear tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Eleven pipers piping
Ten lords a-leaping
Nine ladies dancing
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves and
A partridge in a pear tree.

On the Twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Twelve drummers drumming
Eleven pipers piping
Ten lords a-leaping
Nine ladies dancing
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.

Now, when reading this, I hope you paid attention.  Being married for 21 years, I know a little something something about expressing love and I can tell you, this ain’t got nothing to do with it.

Let’s review shall we?  After these 12 days, you’re going to be left with the following:

12 Pear trees and 12 Partridges

22 Turtle Doves

30 French Hens

36 Calling Birds

96 Golden Rings

84 Geese Laying Eggs

72 Swimming Swans

60 Milking Maids

48 Dancing Ladies

36 Leading Lords

22 Pipers Piping

12 Drummers Drumming

I hope I got the math right.  Now how, pray tell, does this show love?  First of all, every day for 12 days, you get a tree.  That you have to plant.  And the 12 Partridges in it?  Well, if they don’t fly away (which would make you sad by the way) you have to feed them.

Then you have 22 Turtle Doves?  Again, who is going to feed them, provided that those Doves don’t fly off for someplace warmer, being that it’s December and all.  They might end up being Frozen Dovecicles.  Oh yeah, that’s a lovely image isn’t it?

Then there is 30 French Hens.  Again, something you have to feed.  Being Hens, they probably won’t fly away, put they are sure to wander around.  Annoy the neighbors.  Get shot and eaten.

Next? 36 Calling Birds. I don’t know about you, but in the summer we have a bird that loves to nest in the tree right outside our window.  He thinks it’s a amusing to start singing at four o’clock IN THE MORNING.  How would you like to be woken up every morning at four o’clock by 36 calling birds huh?  I don’t think so!  Plus you would have to feed them and I just know you would be PRAYING for them to fly away.  Being Calling Birds, they won’t. Oh no, because they will need to sing to you at FOUR O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING.  Can anyone say shotgun?

96 Golden Rings.  Nice sentiment.  But unfortunately, you will have to pawn them to feed all the stupid birds and hens and what is to come.  So by the end of the twelve days, you won’t have ANY of these nice golden rings.

84 Geese.  Laying Eggs.  Count them people, 86!  Now the eggs might come in handy for breakfast, but again, it’s something you’re going to have to feed.  Plus, have you ever had an encounter with a Goose?  They are mean, vicious, evil creatures.  They bite.  They crap all over the place.  Yeah, nice gift.

72 Swimming Swans.  Swimming where? Do you have a pond?  If you do, it better be a big one, to house 72 Swimming Swans.  Of course, being winter, they will get frozen in the ice, and you will have to go rescue them after dark.  I don’t know about you, but that would put me in a bad mood.  Plus again, you would have to feed them.

WHAT IS THE FASCINATION WITH BIRDS?

60 Milking Maids.  What, exactly, are they milking?  Do you have cows?  Probably not.  So what are they doing?  Do you have to feed them too?  Give them lemonade?  Hot Chocolate?  Let them use your bathroom?

48 Dancing Ladies.  If you’re a guy, this might not be so bad.  Put out some poles, and let them go.  But otherwise, why?  Why dancing ladies?  What are they dancing too?  AC/DC?  Whatever it is they are dancing to music wise, it’s sure to bring the police to your door with a noise complaint.  And do you have to feed them too?  Do the lemonade or hot chocolate bit?  Let them in your house?  Where are these people sleeping?  Are they stealing your remote to watch stupid stuff on your T.V.?

36 Leaping Lords.  They are Aristocrats, being Lords and why the heck are they leaping?  Are they on crack?  I bet they are.  Being Lords, no doubt they will break into your liquor cabinet and drink all your whiskey.  Lay around when they are resting and fart, stinking up your house.  Not to mention they will be looking down their nose at you, because they are Lords, and you aren’t.  You’re just a common person.

22 Pipers Piping.  Oh the noise. Oh the headaches.  Oh the complaints.  Do you really think you’re neighbors are going to put up with all that trilling?  I don’t think so.  What will they be piping?  No doubt, the theme to the twelve days of Christmas, which by now if you’re smart, you will hate.

12 Drummers Drumming.  Again with the noise, they headaches, and the complaints.  By this time you will have spent a fortune paying fines to the county or city you live in for all the noise laws you have broken.  And all that bass?  Going right to your head, which is hurting due to the constant headache you have since this whole twelve days of pure hell started.

By now, you’re broke, having sold all your gold rings and emptied your bank account to pay your bail and your fines, your house is in ruins due to all these crazy people running in and out to use your bathroom, your neighbors are ready you run you out of town with pitchforks, and you’re ready to commit suicide.  Or murder.  Or both.

This song isn’t about love, it’s about destroying someone’s sanity.  And bankrupting them.  So how, exactly did it become a Christmas Song?

If someone loves you, they will skip all this lunacy, and buy you a new house.  Or an expensive car.  Twelve Days of Christmas?  More like the Twelve Days of Lunacy.

So what are you giving you’re true love for Christmas?