The Journey Starts Here

Welcome to my odd sense of humor. Not always for the faint of heart.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Dear Santa: My Christmas List for this year.

Well Santa, it’s that time of year again.  The time when the malls over crowd, people become rude, and people put lights on everything.  Including boats.  Don’t they realize water and electricity doesn’t mix?  Oh well, let’s not get distracted.

Santa, I want you to know, I know the rules.  You have a naughty and nice list, and you check it twice.  You bring good things to good little boys and girls.  With a twinkle in your eye, you somehow make everyone smile, despite the fact they want to be rude.  It’s probably because you’re so fat.  Everyone laughs at fat people, as I well know.

Now Santa, I know that you aware of when I’m awake and when I’m asleep.  I know it wouldn’t come as any surprise, to you, that I haven’t exactly been at my best over this past year.  I’m not trying to make excuses or anything, but please consider a few things.

There are something like 500 cats that keep invading us.  All that cat fur makes my allergies go nuts and makes me just a wee bit cranky.

Since I drive so much, I tend to experience that on again, off again, road anger thing.  I’ve probably passed on a few rude gestures as a result.

My daughter and I?  Well, we are a lot alike and you know what that means rights?  Put us in the room together for 15 minutes and well… words will be exchanged.

My wife, bless her heart, is a patient and laid back person.  For some reason, I tend to try her patience constantly.

I also find some kind of perverse joy in picking on both the wife and daughter.  Like laying in bed in the morning, when it’s still dark outside, and staring at my wife until she opens her eyes and greet her by saying “HI!” with enthusiasm.  I do this, knowing that as a narcoleptic, she despises waking up and could put an angry, hibernating bear who has just been poked with a stick, a run for her money.

So I won’t be surprised, or disappointed, to find coal in my stocking this year.  Just try not to leave coal dust on the floor ok?  It might upset the wife.

Despite all this, I do, in fact, have a Christmas list.  I thought I would pass it along to you, just in case you are feeling especially Ho-Ho-Ho’ish this year.  Please note that my list consists of nothing for me.  If I happen to benefit from it, that’s just all a big fat bonus.  If you get me what I want for Christmas, well, you’re gonna find a whole big mug of spiked eggnog and lots of chocolate chip cookies.

So without further ado, here is my list this year Santa.  Please, oh please don’t disappoint me.

1.       I’d really life, for my first gift, for my wife to get her self confidence back. She had it taken from her some four years ago. She didn’t always have enough to begin with, but when that thing happened four years ago, it really got her down.  So I’d really appreciate it if you could get her a giant dose of self confidence.  She is a woman with a big heart.  As big as yours I’m willing to bet.  Beautiful to.  You only have to look at our lovely daughter to know where her looks came from and it certainly wasn’t me.  She deserves it Santa.  To feel self confident again.  To be able to face each day, knowing anything that comes she can handle.
2.       The second thing I would like is wisdom for my daughter.  She is at that age where she needs to start making adult decisions and I don’t think I’m the best qualified to guide her.  So, like Solomon, I would like for her to have great wisdom, to make the right choices, to have a chance at a great future, to know when to cut her loses, to be able to keep her heart whole and to know that everything has it’s season.  She has so much potential, Santa.  I want her to be able to realize it.
3.       The third thing I would like, is for our Government to change it’s ways.  To have those who run our country have their hearts grow three sizes, just like the Grinch.  To get in touch with the common man once again and start serving them as they are supposed to.  To make them realize that this is a great country, not because of it’s name, but because we are a sum of all are parts, and have the freedom to keep it that way.
4.       The fourth thing I want is for all those young girls, the ones who for whatever reason, lost their innocence at such a young age.  Some to have babies, being babies themselves.  Others to think that all their worth is wrapped up in their bodies, when it should be that their worth is in being a person, with feelings and to have a future full of possibilities.  To find true love, not one based on sex, but from who they are.  I would like the young boys to realize that the mindless pursuit of sex doesn’t provide for their future.  For them to realize that one day they will be adults, with responsibilities.
5.       The last thing I want for Christmas Santa, but certainly not in last place, is for everyone, everywhere, to remember the true meaning of Christmas.  That it’s not about money and presents, but about family, and that we were all once given the greatest present of all.  To know that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Christ, who gave his life so that we could have everlasting peace.  I want people to realize and know that kind of love, for everyone in their life.

So that concludes my list Santa.  I know it may seem life a lot, but isn’t that what Christmas represents?  Miracles? 

Thanks Santa.  I’ll make sure to leave out some carrots for the reindeer.

Yours Truly,


P.S. If any of your helpers really look like this, feel free to bring them along and I’ll serve them milk and cookies.

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