So suddenly, I am seeing all types of news reports on disgruntled passengers complaining about the new TSA Security Measures. That being, the new body scanner and the “opt-out” pat down. As the stories go, people are complaining that the new scanners are pornographic, radiate you to the point of an increased risk of cancer, or practically (maybe literally) being molested by the opt-out pat down.
Come on people! Where is your sense of fun, your sense of adventure, your inner pervert? I, being the stud that I am, feel totally at ease with either method. After all, I am 44, fairly ugly, and overweight. I, like a majority of people who are in the same percentile of Americans being overweight and hitting my middle age years, should thank the TSA.
Where else could someone like me get the opportunity to have my naked body admired, and I assure you, anyone who sees it has to feel admiration. After all, it took many years of hard word to get my body to be this round and have this many wrinkles. Hard word should pay off right? Well here is the opportunity for that to happen.
What? You say you really don’t want to be radiated to the point where you glow in the dark? Point taken.
Well, your other choice is the pat-down. Where they thoroughly frisk you, including grabbing your genitals, and if you’re a woman, having your breasts squeezed and twisted. Well let me just say that this makes me want to run out and buy a plane ticket right now. The destination doesn’t matter. All I care about is getting felt up. It’s been years since I’ve experiences a total stranger who was willing to go to second base with me. Total excitement! It brings back memories of my school years I tell ya!
The person giving the pat down will be the same sex as you, and if you are heterosexual, you might object. Well, use your imagination my friends. Imagine those same sex hands as being the hottie of your choice. In my case, that would be Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba, any Victoria’s Secret model, several other females who I find attractive, or even just a breathing woman.
If you are an out in the open pervert, or even a closet pervert (and you know you fall into one of those two categories) then this should be your dream come true. And the best part about it? It’s actually legal!
Think about it, you get to imagine the hottie of your choice feeling you up. The whole thing brings a tear of joy to my eye. If I ever get to experience this, I tell you now I plan on submitting eagerly, to the point of saying yes mistress, I am eager for you to touch me. I plan on smiling and groaning, asking the person to slow down, and sighing with pleasure when it’s done.
Then, with a knowing smile, I will turn to the person, ask if it was as good for them as it was for me, then tell them sorry, it was a onetime thing and by the way, no I won’t give you my phone number. Then I will simply gather my things, saunter off like I’m the king of the world, and look forward to the next time.
And who says that good things can’t come from awkward situations?