Awkward Cell Phone Operations

I read in the news today that the Government is looking into disabling cell phones in moving automobiles.  Read the Article Here.

I was shocked.  I mean why would you want to do that?

For those not in the know, I’m in sales.  I drive.  Then I drive some more, and when I get tired of driving, I drive for dessert.  All to the tune of 50-60K miles a year.  Not that I’m complaining, I’m alone during all this driving and I am, after all, a brilliant conversationalist.  Never mind that talking to yourself is considered a mental disorder.  Don’t judge me.  I have to do SOMETHING to occupy my time.

Since I’m on the road a lot, and I work out of my house, my cell phone is my business line.  I have one of those fancy shmancy iPhones so I can text, take pictures, video, e-mail AND make phone calls.  All at the same time.  Have I actually done all of these at once?  Why yes, yes I have.  I’m in sales people, and as a result, I talk.  A lot.  All at the time actually.  Even in my sleep.  It’s called the art of the deal for a reason.  After all, how can a salesman sell ocean front property to people in Arizona if they don’t talk… a lot.

Although I don’t sell property, I stay pretty busy.  One of the hazards of my job is the number of times I am on the phone.  Often times, due to time constraints, I do this while driving.  After the number of miles I have driven, I have learned a thing or two about talking on a cell phone while driving.  Like hands free.

Now normally, I would continue to talk about me, but for now I think I will concentrate on all you others who talk, text, and whatever on your phone while driving.

Like I said, I’m busy, and often I’m driving from point A to point B as fast as I can.  Nothing pleases me more than getting behind some yahoo who is discussing their current life troubles with their BFF, going 20 miles UNDER the speed limit, and drifting from lane to lane.  Or the people who are so busy checking their e-mail on their phones they don’t bother to look for on coming traffic and just pull on out, confident that their car is so amazing you would be glad to slam on your brakes to avoid destroying such an awe inspiring thing.  Or the youngsters who are so busy texting that they don’t realize that the left hand turn lane light turned green and start driving though a red light because they are NOT IN THAT LANE.

All of these are such wonderful and fun things to experience, I can’t imagine what the Government would be thinking, unless it’s the property damage from wreaks that drive up insurance rates, or even the number of deaths caused by Buffy who was texting her BFF about Scott, who, by the way, is a wicked awesome kisser.

I’ve been saying for several years now that I was going to invent a device that goes in a car that prevents a cell phone from working and get rich, despite the fact the technology already exists.  Side note to the Government, I came up with this idea first, so I will expect royalty payments when you pass this law.  I’ll take cash and gold.  Maybe even silver.

To be blunt, I think this idea rocks.  Even me, who relies so heavily on my cell phone to help me make a living.  This is something we NEED folks.

But yet, there is a problem.  Jamming cell phones is illegal.  Did you know that?  I didn’t, because you can order a cell phone jammer off the internet, or buy one at a gun show (don’t’ ask me what the relationship between guns and cell phone jammers is).  Angry movie goers have been caught using them in movie theaters because apparently, people really DO talk to the movie screen, or like, talk on their cell phones during a movie.  Hey, Buffy has a lot to say about Scott apparently.

Because it’s illegal, the government is looking into a software solution.  Bad idea.  Apple has an APP for that, or will.

But you know what really gets my goat about this whole thing?  Jamming cell phones is illegal, but allowing a TSA agent to sexually grope you is just fine in the Government’s eyes.  Yeah, Yeah, you’re saying “but Kevin, the TSA is trying to keep us safe”.  I say yeah, but humiliating women and children, old people, disabled people and rape survivors is wrong.  Looking at their naked bodies isn’t any better, unless it’s MY body, because I’m a stud and everyone wants to see me naked.  In fact, doctors have prescribed looking at my naked body for those with insomnia, because the sight of me naked makes people hurl violently, scream, then pass out.

So, while the TSA feels you up, without even giving you chocolate or flowers, all in the name of keeping you safe, jamming cell phones to keep you safe is illegal.

Isn’t life awkward?

Let me just check my 1 to 10 awkward meter, ok?

(beep, beep, beep, beepbeepbeep……20)

Yup, pretty awkward!

The TSA, Pat Down’s and Naked Body Scanner’s – A pervert’s Dream Come True!

So suddenly, I am seeing all types of news reports on disgruntled passengers complaining about the new TSA Security Measures.  That being, the new body scanner and the “opt-out” pat down.  As the stories go, people are complaining that the new scanners are pornographic, radiate you to the point of an increased risk of cancer, or practically (maybe literally) being molested by the opt-out pat down.

Come on people!  Where is your sense of fun, your sense of adventure, your inner pervert?  I, being the stud that I am, feel totally at ease with either method.  After all, I am 44, fairly ugly, and overweight.  I, like a majority of people who are in the same percentile of Americans being overweight and hitting my middle age years, should thank the TSA.

Where else could someone like me get the opportunity to have my naked body admired, and I assure you, anyone who sees it has to feel admiration.  After all, it took many years of hard word to get my body to be this round and have this many wrinkles.  Hard word should pay off right?  Well here is the opportunity for that to happen.

What? You say you really don’t want to be radiated to the point where you glow in the dark?  Point taken.

Well, your other choice is the pat-down.  Where they thoroughly frisk you, including grabbing your genitals, and if you’re a woman, having your breasts squeezed and twisted.  Well let me just say that this makes me want to run out and buy a plane ticket right now.  The destination doesn’t matter.  All I care about is getting felt up.  It’s been years since I’ve experiences a total stranger who was willing to go to second base with me.  Total excitement!  It brings back memories of my school years I tell ya!

 The person giving the pat down will be the same sex as you, and if you are heterosexual, you might object.  Well, use your imagination my friends.  Imagine those same sex hands as being the hottie of your choice.  In my case, that would be Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba, any Victoria’s Secret model, several other females who I find attractive, or even just a breathing woman.

If you are an out in the open pervert, or even a closet pervert (and you know you fall into one of those two categories) then this should be your dream come true.  And the best part about it?  It’s actually legal!

Think about it, you get to imagine the hottie of your choice feeling you up.  The whole thing brings a tear of joy to my eye.  If I ever get to experience this, I tell you now I plan on submitting eagerly, to the point of saying yes mistress, I am eager for you to touch me.  I plan on smiling and groaning, asking the person to slow down, and sighing with pleasure when it’s done.

Then, with a knowing smile, I will turn to the person, ask if it was as good for them as it was for me, then tell them sorry, it was a onetime thing and by the way, no I won’t give you my phone number.  Then I will simply gather my things, saunter off like I’m the king of the world, and look forward to the next time.

And who says that good things can’t come from awkward situations?