So I realized today that one of my child hood dreams stuck with me. I thought I would share with you, as long as you don’t laugh. Ok, ok, if you laugh, what do I care? It’s not like I will ever know. So laugh it up, on me.
When I was little, I wanted to be a pirate.
It’s a phase every little boy goes through, along with wanting to be an astronaut, a fireman, and G.I. Joe. With the King Fu Grip even. But alas, every little boy’s dreams change fast. They change their minds quicker than their mother’s could get them to change their underwear. They change due to circumstances, usually, growing up. Which is a bore, and frankly, quite unfair. Real life sets in, and that little boy who wanted to be G.I Joe one minute, or a pirate the next, ends up being…. An accountant or something (shudders). But I think we end up doing it to ourselves, by not chasing those dreams. So let me just say the following here.
I should have made becoming a pirate a life goal.
Being a pirate has a lot of advantages after all. Especially if you are a pirate captain. You get to be swash-buckling, whatever that means. You get to order other pirates around, steal what you want, drink all the time, cause a lot of mayhem, and generally just have a blast. How can the appeal of that not draw you?
So yeah. I should be a pirate. Really.
Let’s look at my qualifications shall we?
I’m older, with plenty of gray hair. That lends me some distinction and makes me look like I have plenty of experience in life. I’m overweight, making it look like I’m quite a successful pirate, because hey, if I wasn’t, I would be starving. The crew wouldn’t have to worry about losing me, since being overweight, I tend to float instead of sinking. I can bark out orders like a drill sergeant, just ask my wife and daughter. Of course, I don’t have a brig to back up my threats so they tend to just ignore me, but that’s beside the point. I love the sea, and I don’t get seasick. And let’s face it, a seasick pirate captain would just be mocked by the other pirates. They would never take him seriously. I like to inspire people to do their best, even if I have to threaten them to do it. Pirates need that sort of thing, obviously. Pirates are usually out for themselves, so a good pirate captain would have to “inspire” loyalty. Here is where knowing how to use a sword comes in handy. Ok, maybe I can’t use a sword, but they also have guns, and I am a fair shot. I like see beautiful young girls like any other man, but hey, being old and overweight, the only way I could get them near me is by stealing them. That’s a good pirate trait as well. Stealing young pretty girls. The crew appreciates that kind of thing. Last, but not least, I tend to not like authority. This is a big must in the whole being a pirate thing you know.
So all in all, I think I have what it takes, except the most important part. A ship.
To be a pirate captain, you MUST have a ship. Obviously, I would need to steal one. With sails. You don’t see them much anymore though. Sad, really.
Now that I think about it, it would be pretty hard to be a swash-buckling pirate in today’s world. Trying to chase down modern ships wouldn’t be too easy when all you have is wind to propel you. I don’t think you could compete with diesel engines. Then there is the modern military to consider. They have subs. With these things called torpedoes and let’s face facts here, a torpedo would end my new career pretty darn quick.
So maybe the fact that my dream didn’t come true is a good thing after all. All of this leaves me with just one choice, all because of modern technology. If I want to be a pirate in today’s world, I would have to run for Congress.
The thought of that just kinda puts me off the whole idea.
So I think I will go back to my regular job tomorrow, since it’s Monday and all, and do my thing and leave my boyhood dreams in my little noggin.