Not only does my wife refuse to grow old gracefully, but she pretty much refuses to do anything that resembles normal. I think she took the idea of being unique to a whole new level. But maybe she is just weird. Or is crazy from being married to me for so long.
One of the things that she refused to do normally was be pregnant. Oh I know, every pregnancy is different. But well, my wife tried to take this to new heights.
Before I go ahead with that, I guess I really need to start at the beginning.
I used to work for a Secret Government Agency, and my wife worked for an Agency that’s letter’s resemble FBI. Ok, so FBI it was. I was overseas, doing secret government work, and she was working on a high profile case. Trouble was, our cases, so to speak, were connected. She had documents that I needed information from to seek out my target and save the free world. I figured it would be easy enough to sneak into her hotel room while she was sleeping. Trouble is, my wife is not only beautiful, but smart and sneaky. I was caught red handed, in her hotel room, with a gun to my head. I, being the witty and charming fellow that I am, managed to talk my way out of a bullet to the head. I also somehow managed to take advantage of the fact that she slept in the nude. Did I mention my wife is beautiful? She is. It must have been something in the air or water, but in the interest of national security, we decided to pool our resources. We pooled our resources a number of times that night. It was sweaty work, but extremely nice. Because we worked for different agencies, we decided to keep our meeting a secret, thus The Clandestine Meeting of my life. Several months later, I got notice from her that she was pregnant. They say it only takes once, but since our Clandestine meeting involved numerous pooling of resources that one night, who knows which pool was to blame. Well, clearly mine, but that’s how it goes.
Ok, the above might not be true, except for the pregnant part. My wife DID get pregnant, which came as a shock to us both. I was happy, she? Not so much. At least not at first. By the time she was happy, she had become to realize how blessed she had been with her pregnancy so far. No morning sickness. No weird cravings. Clearly I was also blessed, since I wasn’t sent by an angry hormonal pregnant woman out in the middle of the night to obtain some weird item that she HAD TO HAVE RIGHT NOW. What she did crave was watermelon, grapes and popsicles. And by watermelon, I mean whole ones. That she would eat in one day. The only time she ever got sick was when one or two things happened. The first was due to a commercial. McDonald’s at one time has a western omelet biscuit. Whenever my wife would see that commercial, she would have to run to the bathroom to lose all her watermelon. The second was onions. My wife loves onions. Always have, but apparently our gestating baby growing in her belly didn’t because any time she had onions? Well, she would lose all her watermelon. This once happened in a parking lot after going out to eat one night.
When the time finally came for our baby to arrive, we were both not ready. I had been sick and in the hospital for two days and my wife had the flu. But we were in bed, and she kept sitting up all though the night. I asked if she was ok, and she said yes, but she had indigestion. She had indigestion alright. The kind that spells KID. I finally asked her if she was in labor and she said I don’t know. It wasn’t long before she admitted that yes, she thought she was. Of course, those who have had children will say you know when you are in labor, but again, remember my wife does nothing normal like. In the morning, we went to the doctor and they clarified that she was indeed in labor. Then they did the strangest thing. They sent us HOME. I was clearly in shock. My wife was about to have a BABY. Why should we go home? They said we had plenty of time, to time the contractions, and when they reached a certain point, to go to the hospital. So we sat at home. All day long. At the end of the day (by that I mean close to 5 PM), we called her doctor’s office back and they were like, “What? You are still at home? Why? Come to the hospital! You’re having a baby for gosh shakes!”. I won’t repeat my response to that. So I bundled up my pregnant wife and off we went to the hospital.
Once there, a flurry of activity started. Before we knew it, she was in a maternity bed with nurses surrounding her. Since her water hadn’t broken, that had to be done manually, as well as giving her something to get the contractions moving. Now the thing is, one of the things they tell you when having a baby is to have warm thick socks. Because your feet are going to get cold because after all, you are going to be half naked with a bunch of strangers looking at your privates. When they break your water, they curl you in a ball, and jam something up inside you, which let me tell you does NOT seem right, which promptly soaked her warm socks. So now I had a hormonal and slightly scared pregnant woman with cold feet. Let me just say that was a scary moment. My wife has cute little feet, but she hates her toes. Now those toes were exposed and she was NOT happy. Plus her feet were cold, at least until she got her epidural, or as my wife calls it, “A Blessing From Heaven”.
BUT first, they gave her something to help take the edge off until they could arrange for the epidural. She, being who she is, had a strange reaction. Although not in pain, when they started an IV, she started to cry. I was, of course, concerned, until she looked at me and said, “I don’t know why I’m crying, it didn’t even hurt”. I’m thinking she was crying at the sight of my face.
Eventually, she got the epidural, and all was right with the world. Not that she would have known, since she promptly did what most people with a sleep condition do. She slept through long periods of her labor. Oh, before I forget, she had a LOOONG labor. Not only did it start in the middle of the night, but had lasted all through the day and was now well into dark. They gave her that drug to speed up her contractions, and of course, you guessed it, she had a reaction to THAT as well. So they had to slow it down. Eventually, my wife decided to wake up and get this show on the road and deliver a baby. The trouble was, she hated the doctor that was on call that night. I mean REALLY hated him. Her regular baby doctor is a very well known German baby doctor. In fact, if you have ready any of the Kay Scarpetta books by Patricia Cornwell, then you would have recognized her since one of the characters in the book was based on this doctor. It just so happenes that she was, that very night, ready to fly to the Caribbean. But she was at the hospital, heard my wife was in labor and stuck her head in the door with a smile and said “how are you doing?”. I’m not sure exactly what it was my wife said that caused the good doc to change her plans but before we knew it, she was “scrubbed in” and took charge. She was giving everyone orders, even me. I’m not ashamed to admit it but I was jumping to do her bidding as much as everyone else.
While my wife was doing her part, as in pushing, there was a nurse there who kept rubbing her leg and giving my wife encouragement. For some reason, having a numb leg rubbed really irritated my wife. Most husbands have to endure abuse when their lady is giving birth. I got lucky, because my wife decided to take it all out on the nurse rubbing her leg, instead of blaming her current predicament on me. I was almost sad by this, because I had planned on telling her that if she hadn’t slept naked and held a gun to my head during our clandestine meeting, she wouldn’t BE in this predicament. But I never got the chance. Instead, I got to hear my sweet little wife tell a nice nurse “if you touch my leg again, I’m going to hit you”.
It wasn’t long before the miracle of our daughter graced the world with her presence. I know I’m her father and all, but I swear, she was most beautiful baby in the world.
So that is how my wife did the very un-normal method of delivery. Most men have to rush around because they can’t think while their wives take control, go to the hospital, faint at the sight of a baby coming out of their wife, get blamed for the whole thing, then bask in proud fatherhood. I got the last part down, but the rest? Well, it was interesting to say the least.
Funny thing though, we never did get hazard pay for our overseas assignments. But I guess a beautiful wife giving you a beautiful daughter is payment enough. It certainly was for me.