Rubber Chickens, Clown Noses and Taxes

Hello from Awkward Humor!  I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted, which I apologize for.  Things have been extremely crazy for me over the last few weeks.  I’m hoping that this week will see things calm down.  I wrote several posts, but decided not to post them, since they didn’t meet my standard.

But I’m here now.  I’m sure you missed me, and who could blame you?

It’s tax time again, the part of the year where we all gripe and moan, and hope to get back tons of money from our Government.  Hey, at least they DO give back what we over paid.  It’s always been a mystery to me why our tax laws are so difficult.  I blame it on the rich who manage to somehow get exemptions passed so they can keep even more of the millions they already have.  Apparently, they think they can take it with them when they die.  I’m not sure how they plan on doing that since a casket is only so big.  Of course, with that much money I guess you can have a custom casket built as big as you want.  Fortunately, that is not my problem.  Or maybe that is unfortunately, since I’m not rich.

But I digress.  I was writing about taxes.

Maneuvering through the various tax paperwork is like maneuvering through a mine field.  It’s something my wife refuses to let me do, because she is smart.  I do, however, count myself lucky that I have her to do our taxes instead of lugging all our papers to someone to do if for us.

Which brings me to the point of this post.  What, exactly, has come of the world when companies who do taxes for you offer it though a carnival atmosphere?

Seriously, have you noticed?

All you have to do is drive down the road.  You will see people standing on street corners, in various stages of dress, dancing, gesturing, even singing, trying to point you to their service.  I’ve seen signs and even  a certain company who gets someone dressed as the Statue of Liberty to try and convince you that you should come and get your taxes done.  I guess they think that everyone drives around with all their financial paperwork in the car, so that when they see a crazy dancing person they will go “hey, that reminds me, it’s time to get my taxes done and I have no problem putting my tax return in the hands of a dancing teenager dressed as the Statue of Liberty.”

Because, hey, that makes perfect sense.

I don’t know about you, but the fact that these companies will even put people on street corners dancing and gesturing, even singing, doesn’t exactly inspire me to confidence.  Of course, maybe these companies give rubber chickens or clown noses as a return instead of cash.

I don’t intend to find out.

Instead, I will keep trusting my lovely wife to do our tax returns, and leave the clowning around to those on street corners.

Hazmat Suits, Lysol, and Tonsils.

It’s the season.  The season of germs, flu, colds, viruses and other nasty bugs.  There is no way to avoid it.  Everywhere you go, someone is sneezing, dripping, or coughing in your face.  If I were a lesser person, I would consider filing restraining orders against all sick people.  But alas, I know it’s something you have to deal with, every SINGLE year.  We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t defeat the common cold or the flu.

Here, in our household, we have to deal with it as well.  I must unfortunately admit that I am getting older, since I now usually manage to get sick at least once a year.  When I was younger, I rarely got sick.  When I was kid, I was always sick, but that’s another story.

My daughter, bless her tiny little heart, gets sick every year about this time.  I blame it on the fact that Doctors no longer remove tonsils.  Every year, she gets some nasty infection, which usually develops into strep throat, enlarged tonsils, and high fevers.  Of course, dealing with the Doctors during all of this is no fun, since you can’t convince them you know your child better than they do.  As is always the case, when my little girl (who is 18 but will always be my little girl) starts saying “my throat hurts”, you can bet money on the fact she has the beginning stages of strep.  Despite the history of this, in her medical records, the Doctors refuse to do anything until it’s too late.  Which means they end up writing her notes excusing her from school for at least a week.  Sometimes more.

We are, at this time, going on day 4 of her being out of school.

She went to the Doctor again today, and she saw her regular Doctor.  As you know, during the cold and flu season, it’s next to impossible to see your regular Doctor within a 2 week period.  I think this is a conspiracy by Doctors who probably get tired of seeing the same faces over and over. Somehow, my wife managed a miracle and got an appointment for the kid this morning.  Of course, after already missing three days (going on 4) of school, and still being very sick (including a fever), what does she say?  “Oh this won’t do.” And promptly prescribes enough antibiotics to cure a third world country of every disease known to mankind.  Why this couldn’t have been done on the FIRST visit is an eternal mystery that ranks up there with why toast almost always lands butter side down on the floor and how a very clean teenage girl can have a bathroom so nasty the homeless would refuse to sleep there.

So in a few days, my daughter will finally start to get well.  In the meantime, my wife is ALSO sick.  I don’t know if she has the same thing, as it’s not presenting the same, but she has the sniffles, stuffy head, cough, and aches.

I now feel like I should be wearing a hazmat suit in my own house people.

I know what’s going to happen.  Despite already being sick ONCE this season, I’m going to end up sick again.  Because I’m surrounded by demonic germs of the sickly.  Which sounds like the name of a rock band.  If you want to use that as the name of your band, feel free.  I’ll expect a 5% royalty check in the mail on everything you sell.

I’m starting to feel a little desperate.  Earlier, I found myself looking for Lysol, so I could gleefully spray the entire house.  And maybe my wife and daughter.  I’ve even considered telling them to open wide and spray the stuff down their throats.

I REALLY don’t want to get sick again.

Maybe I will get lucky and the years of learning every crafty ninja germ deflecting move will work.  But probably not.  Soon, I’ll probably be on the couch, whining and complaining about how bad I feel and calling for my wife every 10 minutes.  Hey, I’m a man, it’s what we do when sick.  This will, of course, prompt her to roll her eyes, mutter under her breath, spend lots of time in rooms where she can’t hear me, and then post a blog about what a pain in her rear end I am.

That’s about the only bonus that will come of this, I’m telling you now.

So off I go, armed with Febreze in one hand and Lysol in the other.  Wish me luck, or you’ll be hearing from my wife.  Oh, and as I side note, cats don’t like spray cans.  Judging from the way they run and scatter when they hear that can hiss, I believe they think you are spraying the Ebola virus at them.  Oh yeah, and if I do get sick again, I will be resuming my campaign to get my wife to dress up like a nurse again and play "Doctor".  Sorta like the nurse below.  I keep telling her it would make me get well faster, which usually prompts her to tell me to shut it and hide in another room.  No doubt only in the attempt to not get sick again herself.  I'm sure that's the story she will stick with anyway.

Mhm-hmm. Dressing like this would make me feel real perky, really fast.

Until next time, when I'm sure I'll be blogging from my sick bed.

I gots me another award!

Carol, over at Facing 50 with Humor apparently got drunk last week and decided to give me an award.  She is so sweet.  I'm sure she wasn't drunk, but the fact she gave me an award?  Hmmm.  Perhaps it was a mistake?  Maybe not, but I'm happy to have it!  Thank you Carol!

In getting this award, I have to answer some questions.  In addition, I'm supposed to pass it out some.  Which I will in the near future.

So here are the rules, questions, and my answers.

Here are the things you have to do when you get this award:
1. First, thank and link back to the person that gave the award.
2. Answer the 10 survey questions
3. Pass the award along to other bloggers whom you think are fantastic.
4. Contact the bloggers you have chosen to let them know about the award.

1.  If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this?  If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now?
I never considered blogging anonymously.  I’m just so charming, I would be recognized no matter how I tried to hide.  But seriously, I really didn’t want to.  I don’t really have anything to hide, as I don’t blast family, friends, or my job.  The things I write about are not anything that would get me into trouble. Except with my wife.

2.  Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side.
There are way to many incidents to try and remember a particular one.  But I will say I could out stubborn a really cranky mule.  By shooting it.  Well, maybe not, but stubborn I am.

3.  What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror?
I think I’m practically a vampire as I have no reflection.  Yes, either I’m a vampire, or the mirror refuses to reflect me to keep from breaking itself (a very sad form of mirror suicide).

4.  What is your favourite summer cold drink?
Iced Tea.  No, coffee.  No Iced Tea.  Hmmm, maybe it’s a draw.

5.  When you take time for yourself, what do you do?
I read.  I read a lot.  I don’t read as much as I want to, since money is tight and I am to lazy to go deal with the library.  I’m convinced that the government keeps records of what people check out of the library and they don’t need any more evidence of how weird I am.

6.  Is there something that you still want to accomplish in your life?
I have a bucket list.  You know, the famous list that you make of things you want to do before you die?  It’s a long list, and has some very interesting things on it.  Some of them are even legal.

7.  When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching?
I was none of these things.  I was a nerd.  In the school band.  Hanging with my fellow nerds. Doing nerd things.

8.  If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?
It’s a toss up between the birth of my daughter or when I finally became potty trained.  But I’m certain my daughter has a slight lead.

9.  Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events?
I’ve never liked this question because no matter what you blog about, yourself or others, it’s all about YOU.  YOU being in control.  Plus, with the possibility of being a vampire, I don’t share myself for protection against stakes.

10.  If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?
Oh I would read.  All day long if I could.  If I could get paid to read, that would be close to being a dream job.


I would like to pass this award on to: (coming soon)

Escaping the Femine Prison

It’s been a busy 8 days.  I know I haven’t done a regular post, unless it was a guest post, but as you should know, we had a friend of my wife’s in for a visit.  She has gone home, just in time to get pounded with snow.

But now that she is gone, I find myself somewhat relieved.  Yes, I like my wife’s friend and yes I enjoyed having her here.  However, there is something you must understand.  Having another woman in the house, who is your wife’s friend, seriously curtails your manhood.

I know that for all you women reading this, you will soon curl your lip, especially if you are married.  But being a man, is being a man, and there are things we do, as men, that we do.  I was unable to engage in my normal manly things since we had a quest.  In other words, I had to be on my BEST BEHAVIOUR.

Do you understand how difficult this is, as a man, to pull off?

I was unable to sneak downstairs in the middle of the night in my underwear to get something to drink.

I was unable to walk around the house, farting as I am used to doing, especially when I’m looking to disgust my wife and daughter and get a quick laugh out of it.

I was unable to burp out in the open, no matter where I was in the house.

I was unable to scratch my butt, or other parts of my anatomy, when I felt like it.

I was unable to take the remote, with my hand halfway down my pants like Al Bundy, and channel surf.

I could not do any of these things, in order not to embarrass my wife.  Hey, don’t judge me, she knows where I sleep and is a little overly fond of sharp objects.  It was like a PRISON.

But now?  Now I’m free.  Free to burp, fart, walk around in my underwear, channel surf, and generally do what I do best.  Be a man.

Freedom never felt so good.  Or maybe that was the loud obnoxious fart I just let out.

I have a number of comments and other things I will be taking care of over the next few days to get back into the swing of things.  I hope everyone is having a good week, and is not totally frozen.

Until next time, take care.

Another Guest Post Today

I like how my wife decided that since her friend from NY was in town, I somehow had to find time between running them around, entertaining them, and running to the store for them, to post on her blogs for her.

Eh, she knows where I sleep and loves sharp objects so I of course DID manage to find the time.  Somehow.  It involved lots of alcohol, and a time machine build by aliens.  But that's another story.

So head on over, take a look see at Write Now Write Later.

Hey, it's not just you ladies you know...

Today I guest posted over at Refusing To Grow Old Gracefully.  Go on over, check it out. Then look around.  Hey, It's not just you ladies you know....

Dave Barry's Year in Review

Dave Barry is one of my non-fiction writers.  If you don't know who he is, he is was once a humor columnist for the Miami Hearld (if memory serves).  Now he has retired from that postion but every year he writes a column on the year in review.  I know a lot of people hate these type posts, but I always find Dave's very amusing.  So click the link, sit back, and enjoy.

Dave Barry's 2010 Year In Review

I've Been Given an Award. Color Me Surprised!

Thanks to Dawn Zhang @ Letters To Princess.  She has been so kind to give me this award.

There are 4 duties to perform to accept this award:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award
2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

So the seven things about myself are :

1.       I’m in sales and work for a company that sells chemicals.

2.       I was in the high school band. Yes, I’ve always been a geek.

3.       I proposed to my wife while she was medicated, just to be sure she would say yes.

4.       I have an ongoing affair with coffee. My wife understands this and thankfully, accepts it.

5.       I have been known to make people pee their pants while making them laugh.

6.       I have way to much gray hair for my age and happen to be very resentful about it.

7.       I used to like cats. But my wife insists on collecting them so now? Not so much.

I’m supposed to pass this award on to 15 other bloggers.  Trouble is, I don’t have 15 people to pass this on to yet, who don’t already have it.  I will be doing this chore at a later date J

Dawn was awfully sweet to give me this award.  I can only assume it’s because she was drinking heavily when she considered it (just kidding Dawn!).

My Blackberry is broken

Came across this video and thought it was funny enough to share.  If you don't like British humor, you still might get a kick out of this one.

New Year, Odd Dreams, and an Alarm Clock

So I started my New Year off with weird dreams and waking up early.  I wish I could blame it all on going on a binge and drinking way to much last night.  Unfortunately, I can’t.  I had one, count ‘em one, glass of really nasty champagne.  Maybe I only had one, because it was really bad.  Like so bad it could have passed for cough syrup.  So bad it could have been used for an engine cleaner, but would probably dissolve it.  So bad that paint thinner asked it how to be as harsh as it.  What do you expect for $ 2.00?  Certainly not having your stomach lining eaten away.  Ah well.

Like I said, I had weird dreams last night.  I can’t really remember them now, which is actually to bad.  Because they were weird as in funny.  Sharing them might give you a closer look into my strange mind than I want, but hey, them’s the breaks.

I can tell you that there were fast cars in there.  Some lions, a pet monkey (due to a post on twitter last night I’m guessing), a homeless tooth fairy, and some clowns.  And a lot of kitchen utensils.  Sounds more like one of my wife’s Narcoleptic dream worlds, but let me tell you this kind of thing isn’t normal for me.  The few times it has happened, I always wake up the next day feeling a little off kilter.  Like a meteor is about to crash into my front yard or something.

As for waking up, not only was it due to my weird dreams, but also thanks to my daughter.  Was it because my loving daughter decided to come in, bounce on the bed like when she was younger and tell me she loved me?  Nope.  Was it because she was up earlier than me, being inconsiderate as only an 18 year old vain girl can be in the bathroom?  Nope.

What was it then?

Her alarm clock.

My daughter takes a little after my wife in some ways.  Mainly, she hates to wake up.  So my daughter is a snoozer.  You know, one of those people who set the alarm, then hit the snooze button a time or two?  Hey, I do that myself.  What I DON’T do, is hit the stupid thing for two hours, like my daughter does.  I think she is getting me back for all the times I went into her room and bounced on HER bed and told her I love her, acting like a big dog, barking and all that.  Which is annoying, I know.  But being annoying to your children is a God given right.  A necessity even.

So, thus begins a New Year and a New Decade.  Weird dreams and an annoying alarm clock.  Three cheers to coffee, yes?